Saturday, July 5, 2008

Solitary confinement

i'm not quite sure how to handle this
this 9 weeks of suspended animation.
it was my idea, i plead guilty to that,
but in desperation. anything to
postpone the looming break.
he couldn't deal with distraction,
he said. he couldn't deal with
weeping, he said. he couldn't
spare the attention, he said.
so fine. the perfect submissive,
i'll give you what you need.
go. retire to your monk's cell,
illuminate your dissertation.

but what about me? my mood swings,
i said, i'll get a handle on my
mood swings, a ruthless dom
prowling the dark halls of my soul.

but that's not a full time job.
not like writing a dissertation.
what do i do? what do i do with
my grief? what do i do with
the void? what do i do with
the artifacts of whatever it was
we had? put them in cold storage?
the paper clip chain lives stubbornly
around my ankle, but i'm giving up
pink panties for the duration. i think
i'll retire the little slave kitten earrings.
the dog collar, the leash, they can join
his boxer briefs and sox, the little white
apron, the nipple bells, in their
designated drawer. but his toothbrush?
of all things, that is making me cry...
the toothbrush he left here at the end of
his very first visit, 11 months ago.
his toothbrush, facing mine, the
last self-deluding sign of
persistent
hope.

i don't eat much now. not a bad thing.
i exercised today. if he takes me back
i don't want to look like i
let myself go. but still
the pain. i need
endorphins. and i'm confused.
i put up a profile on alt.com.
not sure why. i just want someone to
excite me. i need the
endorphins. i suppose i'm stockpiling
in case this pause is really the end.
i want to believe...
it's hard to believe...
i need to feel wanted
i need to talk to him
i need his advice
i need to hear his voice
i need his words
what are you wearing, kitten?
take off your clothes, kitten.
cum for me, kitten.
now! i'm going to hurt you,
i'm going to cane you, i'm
going to brand you, you'd better
cum, kitten, now, kitten,
i want to hear you scream, kitten...

i miss you, master.
i miss you.
because...

8 comments:

oatmeal girl said...

oops! i looked back after my latest moan-and-groan post went public, and realized that i had written "9 months of suspended imagination" instead of "9 weeks of suspended animation."

Dr. Freud? any comments?

Anonymous said...

perhaps it is a pregnant pause?

oatmeal girl said...

you are very clever, oh anonymous reader.

the question, then, is to what we will give birth? i was looking back at an old conversation just before you made your comment, and now have hopes that perhaps we can at least resume our amazing friendship.

and whether i will always be obsessed about whether it might ease back into something more...

i suppose this week all this self-flagellation is permissible, but after a week i'll really have to stop. a good spanking would help...

a belt across mya ss would help more. sigh...

callie said...

While our situations are vastly different, I can identify with your emotions... having to put away the reminders of Him, lack of appetite, needing just some spark of a connection, dealing with the uncertainty.

I wish you well and I hope you find the peace you seek. I know time can not come soon enough, but it will come.

amorettelove said...

I just found your blog today...

I'm so sorry you're going through what you are and I truly hope you find happiness in the end of it all.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps what you will give birth to, is a more emotionally stable you.

That would be the greatest gift you could give to yourself, and maybe if the philosopher acts as a man and not a child; you could share that gift with him.

I posted the other anonymous comment. My name is Patti

I have been reading for a while. I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish you peace and balance.

k said...

I know just what you mean, all that time devoted to Him and then suddenly he's gone and what do you do with all that time?

It's been more than 3 months for me and I still don't know what to fill my time with. I still haven't been able to completely let go, despite knowing things aren't just on pause, I'm still clinging to any little bit of hope I can some how pull out of thin air.

And I am completely with you on that spanking thing, I really think that would help in so many ways.

marianne said...

I loved someone who left me... 16 months ago now. Sometimes I feel like such a weak person for thinking and wishing still. But it does get easier. Much. And other people do come into your life. If this is a pause only, when it's over, it will seem like nothing. If it's more... you'll be okay. I promise.