Thursday, November 4, 2010

Being sub #5 (#6? #7?)

I don't discuss blogland with the sadist much. He rarely reads here, by his own choice, although he did in the early days. Of course, he has seen the pieces I originally wrote for him which he granted me permission to share. And he loves hearing what, if anything, you all have to say about him.

But lately there have been some discussions that have connected with our situation in one way or another. So I've brought them up.

One that unleashed a tsunami of comments was this post from sin on her blog finding my submission. She wrote of the end of an 8-month attempt at what she sometimes refers to as a threesome but mostly wasn't really that. Her Dom had another sub and much as she tried, she couldn't get to feeling comfortable with it.

As I've mentioned before, the sadist does have other subs. I learned of his slave perhaps the day after he first contacted me. We e-mailed some and met once. Because of what happened during the early years of my relationship with S--, I was rather sensitive to how the slave might feel about my appearance on the scene. I was assured it wasn't an issue. All that mattered was what Master wanted.

It may have been that winter, following the termination and amazing resumption of my relationship with the sadist, that he said something about there being others. I think he even said it just that way.

Daddy is very careful about protecting his privacy. But he has always been good about not pretending to be other than he is. About not pretending to offer more than he has to give. (And then giving me more than I have ever had from those who dated me. From those who married me.) So to the extent that you can fully know what you're getting into when you enter a D/s relationship (Ha!), I was quite aware that I would never be his one and only.

[There was a lot more at this point. About the masochistic slave who protects me taking submitting to the torture that the fiend wishes he could inflict on me. Of another of the subs being the man to whom the sadist gave the pleasure of my body as a reward for service beyond the call of duty. But Firefox crashed as I was listening to the beautiful playlist my Daddy created for me and all that poetic prose was lost. I'm just not up to recreating it now, so I'll just make one more point before sharing my own comment on sin's post.]

The sadist is not perfect. Yup. That's right. You read it here. Even he would admit that. He doesn't often make mistakes, but when he does they are usually because he has gone too fast. Raced ahead to get more than I was ultimately ready to give. But when that happens, he doesn't push.

He stops.
He goes back.
He reworks the plan
(and believe me,
there is a written plan.)
He rewinds the tape,
goes back to the previous semester,
and then
he goes

He makes sure the foundation is laid. He pushes me just a little bit at a time, planning, training, teaching, until there I am, further than I ever thought I'd be, lying naked on the futon with the point of his green-handled folding knife pressed against my belly, knowing, praying, trusting, despite my panic, despite my terror, that he would not stab me.

And he wouldn't.
He wouldn't stab me.
He had told me that a long time before.
Despite his fantasies, that's not what draws him
And besides.
All that blood?
Too messy.
(He said that, too.)

What was I talking about?
Oh yes.
His other submissives.

I know of and have met 3 others. And he has mentioned that there is at least one more, of whom I know nothing other than that. But that's ok. Over time, I've come to where that's ok. Of course, I'll admit to being jealous of the time he spends with the others. But I should be more jealous of the time he spends on his job. The big thing is, I feel secure. Secure in what I am to him. Secure in the special value I have for him - and not just for my superior cocksucking talents. I'm sure the others are excellent cocksuckers, too, having gone through his rigorous course of training.

But - and I cannot stress this enough - that's me.

This does not mean that anyone else might be ok with it. Even with the exact same situation. What I wrote - what any of us write - can be a great stimulant for thought and discussion. But we all have our own needs. We all have our own lives. We all have our own tolerance levels. And, in fact, our situations are not the same.

To end, here's the comment I left on sin's post. Do go over, if you don't read there already. Read the comments as well as the post. here's lots to think about.
In some ways, I think we are a very idealistic bunch. In trying for perfect submission and obedience, we persuade ourselves that we can sublimate our own needs and desires in a commitment to put someone else first. In trying to move beyond monogamy, we convince ourselves that insecurity and jealousy are vestigial organs from an earlier existence and can be abandoned by will power alone.

It just doesn't work that way.

Please don't beat up on yourself for not being comfortable with an alternative to monogamy. For some people, it works. For others, it doesn't. For others, it might not work at one time, or with one set of people, and might be fine a decade later and/or in a different configuration.

There are even some people who aren't crazy about chocolate. I wouldn't berate you if you were one of those. I might tease you mercilessly, and be disappointed that you couldn't enjoy the exquisite chocolate cake I spent the whole day baking. But if you don't like chocolate - or like it but must abstain because it gives you migraines - that's life.

Jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness... these are all very natural and human emotions. You tried, you didn't like it, it's over.

To your Dom and his other sub: lay off. If you keep making her feel guilty, making her feel like a failure, she'll never want to try again.


PS - I am by far not the only person with whom the sadist has a relationship, and I know there are many who could not handle my situation.


Rich Person said...

In my experience with multiple relations (and I do have some), it isn't easy to make them work. They require commitment. I suppose that's like a monogamous relationship. To a certain extent, we have either a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship because we think that that kind of relationship is best for us. Regardless of what we choose our beliefs will be challenged by situations.

I think it may be particularly difficult to make poly relationships work if you don't have enough physical space. Women (maybe more than men, maybe not) don't like to have other women in their space. If each partner has their own place, then it can be much easier.

I like poly relationships because they have more variety and possibilities than monogamous ones. That doesn't mean that I never have any jealousies or other issues. However, I work pretty hard to overcome those in order to make my relationships with those in the "family" as good as I can. When a poly relationship works, it peaks at a very high level and provides an experience most people (who never make it outside the confines of monogamy) never experience.

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks for your long comment, Rich, and for visiting here.

You introduce the side question of when to use the term "polyamorous".

My need for community makes me particularly interested in the concept of polyamorous relationships, but I don't think the term applies to my case. I wouldn't call the sadist's stable of subs a family. We have limited (and differing) awareness of each other, if any, and interact only as it serves his pleasure and amusement. There might have been more between me and his slave, but it didn't work out, due more to personality differences than anything else.

I do admire people who can make a poly relationship work - and all relationships do take constant work and vigilance. But I don't think someone who can't handle it should be made to feel inadequate or a failure.

SerenaDante said...

I just have to say, I'm learning so very many new things from reading your blog. Thanks!

Liras said...

OG, some of us are not able to share. Some of us love to do so.

I imagine the more intense the connection, the harder it is to tamp down any jealousy and possessiveness.

We find ways to negotiate a solution and adjust, yes?