Saturday, December 18, 2010

Lipstick Vibe: my first sextoy review


As I mentioned back in November, my inclusion in the list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2010 brought me new attention from unexpected sources. This included a number of invitations to review products, some more appropriate than others. With permission from the sadist, I agreed to test and review an item for Theirtoys.com.

Before I go on, I must say how delightful it has been to deal with my contact at Theirtoys.com. Brittany has been quite tolerant of all my questions and provisos and objections. As it turned out, a number of the staff members are sex bloggers themselves, and some of them are actual fans of mine. Unlike some people, I get nowhere near 800-1000 hits a day, even on special occasions, so whenever I learn about a fan it's very exciting.

I did have to do some clarifying as to appropriate items for me to try out. No to pink plush handcuffs. Yes to vibrators, assuming I received masturbation permission from the sadist.. Eventually I was offered something called the Lipstick Vibe. Based on what some of my blogger friends have been getting, I have to admit to a fair amount of disappointment. I had been envisioning something tasteful. And elegant. And expensive. By LELO. Like this sweet little Siri, which is even purple! I do love purple... But I can understand their wanting me to prove myself.

Once agreement was reached, the item arrived very fast, in a shipping box that was too big for the clamshell inside. Note to the packers at Theirtoys.com - you could go down a size and save money on shipping. And then there is the clamshell itself, which is utterly excessive. It somewhat resembles the ones my local supermarket uses for their yummy rotisserie chickens. Of course, it's not that big. You could use it for a rotisserie pigeon, perhaps. (OK, that sounds too disgusting. Let's call it a squab. Same thing but somehow more upscale, don't you think?) Still, that whole big clamshell for an item that looks like a lipstick?

And that's the gimmick.

It looks like a lipstick.

So you can carry it with you and anyone digging through your bag to steal your wallet, or looking on without helping when you drop your overstuffed purse as you try to fish out your airplane ticket and everything tumbles on the ground, will not realize that what seems like a lipstick is really a sign of what a shameless, oversexed slut you are. It's when you bend over to gather your things and they get a clear view of your panty-less butt latticed with welts from the caning you received just before heading to the airport and the stark tattoo saying SEX SLAVE that they start to wonder...

Anyway, that's the idea. Or as the package says: "Discreet design fits nicely in your makeup bag."

Makeup bag?
Moi?

You've got the wrong slut.
I almost never wear make-up.

Anyone who saw me carrying around a lipstick would know something was up. Or figure I was coming back from a job interview. Though maybe taking a camouflaged mini-vibrator to a job interview could be a good idea... I could slip into the ladies' room, have a quick orgasm, and emerge fully relaxed and exuding that certain je ne sais quoi that would make my interrogator either very relaxed as well or else really eager to have me.

[Be back soon. It's time to adjourn to the laboratory and run a few tests.]

[Time elapses. She staggers back to her office, eyes slightly glazed, legs wobbly...]


I take it all back. All the snarky comments. Well, it's not that I take them back, exactly, but they won't count against the final grade.

Because the thing is highly effective.

I admit to being surprised. The thing feels cheap, the concept seems dumb, and the package... But who cares? And while the packaging is excessive, at least it's not hard to get open.

So.
I washed the thing off.
I inserted a single AAA battery.
I checked the settings.
On.
Off
.
Open
.

On is very loud. Like my cell phone buzzing when it is sitting on a table, or a very large and vociferous fly near my ear. Given how simple the device is, I did expect it to be loud, as there is nothing to absorb the sound. If I were to use it in that previously mentioned ladies' room, I would have to hope I could persuade anyone in the next stall that I'd had a sudden urge to take an electric shaver to my legs.

On the other hand.
Damn.
It works.

I headed to the bedroom, yanked off my jeans and plain white underpants (too cold to take off anything else), and prepared to formulate more snarky comments.

Except.

I turned on the lipstick and pressed it to my clitoris and then I was elsewhere and this little voice emerged from my lips and I was calling to him and begging him and then the fantasies started and I resisted the temptation to let my fingers take over and then I didn't have to except I kept pressing it against my clit even after I came and got one little aftershock after another and for only $24.99 the Lipstick Vibe is really quite a bargain.

(Do note, though, that this is not a very sophisticated item and the twist controls are fairly rudimentary. When turning from On to Off, it's easy to go a little too far so that it pops open and the battery jumps out. On the plus side, it is said to be waterproof [I haven't tried that feature yet] which does have potential.)

So thank you to Brittany and the rest of the team over at Theirtoys.com. Now can I try out one of those lovely LELO's?

7 comments:

mnb said...

OMG
WOW! What a review. But I will have the final word on its and any other toys we select. I will be very closly watching every glistening movement under our watchful eye.
MNB

KellyRed said...

OMG og! This is the funniest sex toy review I've ever read. I think I might ask W for this for my birthday.

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks, folks. I had a lot of fun writing it. You do understand, it's not the greatest toy. Kind of like a blunt instrument. Strong and unsubtle, but it does the job and doesn't cost $100. If only it were much quieter, it would be the perfect thing to pack for a holiday weekend with the parents. It won't be discovered in your luggage and will be a great help in relieving family-induced stress.

But Kelly, if you're asking for a resent, I'd go for a LELO. Not that I have one... but I've heard great things about them and they look great!

oatmeal girl said...

Kelly, of course, I meant to say "if you're asking for a PRESENT"...

o.g.

worm said...

I'm with Kelly! What a fun way to enjoy a Sunday morning coffee :) Nice to see your humour again. I feel somehow that this has been brushed under the carpet a bit since the latest development in your relationship as Daddy/bg. Regardless, its your blog and I enjoy it greatly.

Cheers!

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks, worm. I think one reason there hasn't been that much humor lately is that it is SAD season. Plus November was not funny at all, what with Marko having been horribly ill and my parked car having been totaled.

So I suppose I should thank Brittany et al for giving me (and you all) something to laugh about!

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks, MNB, and welcome. The Lipstick Vibe does offer certain advantages to the voyeur. Being so small, it stimulates while not blocking audience view of the pussy. On the other hand, being so small it denies observers the pleasure gained from seeing a pussy invaded and stretched by an outsize dildo or vibrator.

Hmm... I suppose another option would be to have the artist/victim spread her cunt lips while applying the tiny vibe to her clitoris, so you could see the physical manifestations of her reactions to ongoing stimulation.

There are so many opportunities for creativity, don't you think?