It's Official! I'm a Sexy Blogger!

I did already know that. I didn't need an award to convince me. For one thing, the sadist says I'm sexy, and if I don't accept that I'm in big trouble.

But I do accept it.
I believe it.
I feel it.

Especially lately.
I suppose because it's Spring.
I've been flirting.
A lot.
I can't help it.
My blood is boiling, engorging.

My apologies to any recipients to whom it hasn't been welcome.

And it's not like I'm not allowed. I say I belong to the sadist. He says he owns my mind and my body. And he does. But he doesn't. When I asked if I might serve the Irishman on occasion, the sadist said the permission wasn't his to give. And then he gave it. He thought it would help keep things between us from progressing too fast.

Ha! It was too late. But still. He gives me a lot. It's immeasurable what he gives me. But there's something else I want, which he will never be to me. In fact, although he says I'm in love with him, which freed me to admit to us both - to accept - that I'm in love with him... well, there are different ways of being in love with someone. And despite all the things I enjoy about him, about his MIND, he doesn't feel like someone I'd want for a boyfriend.

And I'd like to have a boyfriend.
A dominant boyfriend.

Someone who would accept me and encourage me as who I am - creative and sexy and submissive and wicked and sweet and loving. The whole thing.

I answered an ad on craigslist the other day. I cruise through there at times, just in case there's anyone intelligent on there who admits to being at least 40. So I answered an ad the other day, because he made reference to being intellectual and included pictures of a pile of books and a loaded bookshelf and a cat. For the hell of it I answered, as he sounded pleasant, comfortable, not sparkling, and definitely not likely to be dominant or likely to be comfortable with my needs in that respect.

I want a boyfriend.
Or a girlfriend, though I clearly don't know
how to flirt with or date girls.
I want someone in my life.
And I want to be my full self.

And (to get back to the topic) part of who I am is
a sexy, submissive blogger.
I am very sexy and I'm very submissive.
So there.

Plus, I was tagged as such by milla, who also goes by Velvet, not to mention what she uses in the outside world. There must be many submissive sex bloggers wandering around with identity problems. Anyway, whoever she is, you can go here to read what she said about her own sexiness. She's a musician, by the way, which means you bet she's sexy.

The timing of the award was perfect, as it came when my demon muse was pushing me to accept that I am sexy, along with beautiful, talented, creative... So milla said I'm sexy and I thought damn right I'm sexy, and I know why. I immediately wrote to the sadist as follows:

So I've been tagged by one of my blogger friends for one of these silly things they pass around. It's the Sexy Blogger Award. You have to say 5 sexy things about yourself. But I think this is a good one for me to do. It will help me further internalize feeling good about myself as a sexy creature.

As your sexy creature.

In fact, I'd thought of asking you if you would mind making the list. But I quickly realized that I knew what you would say. At least I think I have it right. The first one is mine - I'm not sure that you obsess about it the way I do - it's what makes me feel sexy. But the rest?

• my hair
• my tits
• my pale, round belly
• my voice
• my words

Then there will be a paragraph about each one. Those should be easy, though if you have anything to contribute about any of them, especially about my belly and my voice, your words would be most welcome.

Your words, my Lord, are always welcome.

Oh, I was such a clever little submissive thing. I figured I knew exactly what he'd say. Because I know exactly what to say to him when I want to excite him, arouse him, whether it's to incite the beast (a dangerous undertaking) or call forth those other needs. I know what stirs him about me.

• My hair - My growing-ever-longer red hair. Perfect for me to toss. Perfect for him to wrap his fingers around, curling the strands close to my scalp, and then pulling my head wherever he wants it. Close to his fangs. There's a bit of the wherewolf in my Lord, a bit of the vampire, and he has a serious taste for the flesh of my throat. And the hair... well, the hair makes me feel sexy. And then I am.
  

• My tits - They all love my tits. The breasts as a whole, yes, they're rather sweet, but especially my amazing nipples. Remember, I've told you all about my nipples, but in case you missed class that day... they protrude. They always protrude. They show through my shirts, even when I'm wearing a bra, because I'd have to wear a padded bra to cover them up and really, give me a break, women have nipples, I refuse to have mine airbrushed out of existence. Of course, the sadist never sees me clothed. There is nothing to keep him from my nipples, nothing to protect my nipples from him. He twists them, hard, cruelly, demanding that I keep my eyes locked to his, so that he can see everything, we can exchange everything, he sees my pain, he devours my vulnerability, and our intimacy at that moment is like a flowing river, is like an electric current, and it fills the room.
  

• My pale, round belly - This may be a personal obsession of the sadist's. He likes me against dark colors to accentuate the pallor. And really, I'm not all that pale. I'm a redhead, yes of course, so I am pale to a point, but even if I had been better about staying out of the sun all those years back I still wouldn't be one of those redheads with alabaster skin. For one thing, there are all those freckles. But he has this thing about my pale round belly. My pale round ass, too, but especially the belly. It's the vulnerability of it. That I know. There was something he used to do to it... he stopped, when I said it scared me. As I've said before, for someone who says he doesn't have limits, who says I can have a safe word if I want but that doesn't mean he'll stop if I use it... He is very good to me. He protects me. He protects what we have. But yes... vulnerability... he is a predator, and my pale, round belly draws him.

• My voice - I have many voices. Not deliberately, except when I was on the radio, I knew that was my radio voice. I have the tapes from over 20 years ago, the tapes of the folk show I had for a year. I think I would pitch it lower now. My office mate says my voice goes up when I answer calls, which is one reason people act as if I'm 20. Sometimes, occasionally, I deliberately tell them I'm 60, whether to command respect or to create a connection. But with the sadist... I don't know what happened... I was always in awe of him... perhaps it makes me breathless... a bit frightened... from the first time we spoke on the phone, and that first phone message I left when he commanded me to sing for him... I sang a Yiddish lullaby. He said it slayed him. Speaking to him, to the sadist, to my Lord as he now lets me call him... my voice goes breathy. He feeds on it. I suspect again it reflects my vulnerability, which is one of his 3 major food groups. (The others? I'm not sure. I'm making this up. But maybe pain and obedience.)

• My words - the first shall be the last. Because it was by my words that he knew me, it was my words that snared him and then he snared me. It is for my words that he wants me more than anything else. Sex and screams he can get anywhere, and there are lots of great nipples in the world. But my words... and thus he makes me feel very special.

So there you are. I figured I had it down, and he'd say what a clever girl I am and maybe add a comment or two to use in what would become the above descriptions.

Shows how much I know. His response to the message I sent him?

Wrong. First, there is your intellect. Everything else is a distant second. Your vulnerability, your poetic talent, your breath, your sensitivity, your courage, then maybe the anatomy.

And that is why I'm in love with him.

[I'm supposed to tag 5 more people but haven't thought of whom yet and if I wait around for that I'll never get this posted. So I'll get back to you on that. Better than nothing...]