Fury

hands
flogger
smashing cane
palm smacked across my face
head banged against the wall
fingers twisting screaming nipples
knotted lashes fiercely flying
buttocks, tits, up into cunt
chain wrapped around my neck
stealing breath
claiming life

crawl.
and in your crawling
say everything.

sobbing.
shaking, choking sobs.

pleading.

here, he said.
drink some water.
take a deep breath.
from here.
now
breathe out.
and again.
feel that?

i felt it.
i knew.

he frightened me.
he hurt me.
he left colors on my ass,
groaning red and purple-black
my skin has never known.
these welts don't bring pride.
these are welts of shame
for not giving,
for not trusting,
for not knowing...

there was no pleasure there.

he left me standing
back against the wall
hands behind my neck
chain around my throat
sobs sending tears down my cheeks.
tell me that you love me, he said.
again! he said.
i love you! i cried
in deep despairing grief.

i stood there
as ordered
until i heard him leave.
i threw myself on the futon
and soaked the sheet with tears.

and yet.
i submitted.
i did not flee the pain.
and he was here.
there's something that he wants.
still.
something that he wants from me
something that he values
something
that makes him
try
to train me,
try
to mold me,
try
to free me
from holding it back.
he knows it's in there.
he knows he wants it.
he knows he'll get it.

and i'll tear myself open
and offer my soul.

no one has ever wanted me the way he does.

i will learn.
and i will give him what he wants.