Friday, February 22, 2008

A post a day keeps depression away

Well, maybe not. But the philosopher has decided that I should post daily.

he is right, of course. i'm rather scattered and unfocused, and having specific tasks gives me a sense of direction and confinement which helps keep me facing the right way. It's as if he has put me in a harness, with a bit in my mouth. even at a distance he holds the reins in his hands. he tries to keep me going forward rather than straying off the path to munch on grass or chase a squirrel. it's odd using a horse image for a kitten, but it takes so much strength and effort to keep me controlled and progressing that I might as well be a large lumbering beast.

you may notice a measure of inconsistency in my use of capitalization. i am most definitely not one of those owned submissives who has adopted by choice or obedience lower case letters for herself and upper case for her Master (for example). since the beginning, the philosopher and i have been feeling our way through this relationship, which is rooted in D/s but is so much more. as he said to me very early on, we are making it up as we go along. our rules are our own. so don't go sending out the D/s Capitalization Police to haul me away. in any case, the only one allowed to imprison or otherwise punish me is the philosopher, and he is a very jealous and possessive master indeed.

no, the inconsistent capitalization is due to sheer laziness combined with weak typing skills. the fewer extra details i have to worry about the better.

a more important issue is - why a blog anyway? and for whom?

certainly, the world doesn't need another blog. if the curtains are ever opened and the public allowed to peek in, i don't expect the grass outside our fantasy house will be trampled by a greedy public hungry for the details of our relatively gentle bdsm adventures. so it's not for them - although of course any readers are very welcome, and invited to sit down with us for tea and oatmeal cookies. i will serve you wearing a little white half-apron and nipple bells.

is it for the philosopher? yes, of course, everything is for you, you own me and thus all my efforts are for you. i want to please you. i want your approval. i want you to be proud of me. i want you to stroke my hair and say "good kitten" in that voice that would make me do anything, endure anything, just to be caressed with those two little words.

but in the end, i must admit, it is for myself.

on April 13 of 2007, a couple of months into an intense on-line D/s relationship with the potential of becoming something more, i went roaming around Google looking for information and guidance and a clue as to what goes on in the mind and libido of a dominant man. i stumbled on roper, the English Gentleman, whose blog was unfortunately abruptly discontinued last october. i was impressed by his writing and helped by his musings. i wrote to say thank you, as well as to blurt out to someone, anyone, how my life had been turned upside down. he made some useful comments, suggested some blogs by submissives which i still follow, and asked if i'd thought to start my own blog. i was flattered, but dismissed the idea. the philosopher and i were learning, exploring, and had yet to meet in person, so i doubted i had anything to offer anyone else. however, roper and i continued our correspondence. he was the recipient of a sort of blog-for-one, serving as an outside ear, a helpful commentator, and a structure for my over-intellectualizing as i contemplated my desires, fears, and very wet panties.

i didn't comment publicly on anyone else's blog until after the philosopher and i met in person, 6 months to the day after i'd posted my ad to craigslist.

so why go public now? (if anyone but the philosopher is reading this, he must have given me permission to go public. it is all up to him.)

partly pride, combined with amusement and guilt, over having passed 1,000 peeks at my profile without my having anything to offer in return. (Congratulations to David for being the thousandth visitor, and thanks for letting me see that milestone. i suppose you should get some sort of reward?)

partly guilt (again guilt...) over the length of the comments i leave elsewhere, which has made me think i need space of my own where i can babble on for as long as i'd like.

partly the hope that if i am writing for the public i will learn to babble less.

partly the desire/need for approval and praise. i am a sub, after all... plus my self-esteem is a bit shaky these days and i need to be reminded that i am good at something.

partly in hope of inspiring discussion. do please tell me how clever i am. but after that please leave a long, thoughtful, challenging comment. not nasty. i really don't like nasty. i might get snide if you're nasty and i'm not sure the philosopher would approve.

well then. i've babbled way too much. in general, i'm hoping that blogging will teach me to trim and revise and edit, but this post is by way of an introduction so everything had to go in there. i'll be more efficient in the future. the philosopher will see to that.


persephone said...

on my first blog i never did the capitalization rule. although my owners wanted me to use it in correspondence, they allowed me to do my all lower-case thing for creative writing. but when i started my current blog i started capitalizing them (and only them) just because i wanted to give them that extra measure of respect. meanwhile, they no longer expect it in correspondence and don't care if i make everybody lowercase all the time. so things have gone there and back again, but i guess that's what it's all about, hm?

i think you should use the blog and get everything you can out of it. you have a lot to say and i do think that the structure of blog-writing will help you to feel focused. it does tremendous things for me, i'll tell you.

posting every day might eventually get hard... perhaps he'd let you cut back to every-other-day posting, while continuing every-day writing (to save up so that when things get busy you'll be able to keep the consistency)?

that's what i do, anyway. when i have time i write 3 or 4 posts at once and then i gradually edit them and post them every other day, so there's always something to put up even if i get busy.

anyway, good luck blogging. this is a good thing for you.

Musns said...

You know, luv (I hope you don't mind that), every time I've come across a comment on someone else's blog (normally Erotiterrorist) I would click on your profile link and find myself dismayed that there was no link to a blog of someone who wrote in such a way I wanted to read more.

I read all your posts today and your words, your lovely words made me smile, tear up and grin. I'm delighted to have found you writing where I can look on in awe at your words.

oatmeal girl said...

meg, for now my mind is bursting, so i'm compiling a few extra ones. and if i'm very lucky and get this job i'm up for (please please please...) then i may indeed have to cut back or write shorter pieces or write during my lunch hour.

or maybe on the weekends i could write ahead, like those people who are much more disciplined than i am, who prepare large batches of soup or stew and then freeze small portions so they don't have to cook during the week.

musns - first of all, "luv" is fine for someone like me who was an anglophile since childhood.

second. i was absolutely stunned by your praise. utterly moved. you can't imagine what this means to me, especially since for various reasons this month was very hard on my sense of self-worth. but now i'm glowing. thank you ever so much.