Sunday, September 23, 2012

He worries about my future

Not every man can support his mistress.

Not every man worries about what will become of her as she ages. Especially as they are both already aging. I may catch some glances now, I admit I look considerably younger than other women my age. But I'm sliding towards 64 and the question of who will feed me is not an idle one.

So it comes up every so often.
At least he's stopped urging me to find someone else.
At least he's stopped trying to fix me up with other men.
But it hasn't stopped worrying him.

It slipped out last night.
Cryptically.
Its passage eased by wine.
A text.
Very late at night.
Offered between snippets of romantic lyrics.

"I'm sorry."

With no hint of an explanation till today.

It upsets me.
It always upsets me when he brings it up.
Maybe because I know he's right in a way.
But there are many forms of poverty.

I stayed with ex-hubby #2 for years for financial security, and it nearly destroyed me. The fiend has worked long and hard to build my self-esteem. I'll be damned if I'll risk destroying that by pursuing a relationship in a search for support in my old age. And how could I build a connection with someone else when every moment I'd be making comparisons to the person I wish I were with?

So we go on.
It is what it is.
Beautiful.
Dangerous.
Tender.
Fierce.
And,
for better or worse,
all I want.





5 comments:

Malcolm said...

No, don't look for anyone else. Much better concentrating on the one you have. The present moment is all you ever have, and if no future plans suggest themselves, better not strive to generate one.

sin said...

I think you and Malcolm said this very well. I understand the worry, and yet, how could you find someone to compare?
-sin

mamacrow said...

I'm with you on this one. financial security is great but not, actually, everything.

In my experience, finances will work out. Being miserable because you're in the wrong relationship is far worse

nancy said...

Amen to what the others said. There is no guarantee that you'll outlive him.. after all!
Enjoy the present with every single bit of energy.

Miss said...

I agree enjoy this its better to be happy then be miserable . Trust me I've made that mistake before.