Monday, October 22, 2012

She's so tight

"Where have you been?" they wonder.

Living my life.

It's funny. I think of my relationship, which is still and always quite thoroughly a D/s relationships, and realize that it is also simultaneously more and more a relationship - unconventional as it may be. A committed relationship, without vows or rings and certainly without monogamy. But close and committed and intimate - not just physically intimate, either.

He has this fear that if he shows weakness, softness, vulnerability, I'll lose respect for him. It's not a totally stupid fear, as it was a way I have responded in the past to people who wanted me. A fear based on my own lack of respect for myself. "There must be something really wrong with him if he wants me that much."

A sudden realization... perhaps that's not a problem now because he has finally managed to make me believe in myself enough, to feel strong enough, that I don't feel threatened by someone who does want me that much.

In any case, it's not a problem now.
Not with him.
When he reveals his vulnerability, it makes me love him more.
Not that I didn't know it was there.
But when it's offered to me,
naked on a wooden plank,
knife by its side to use as I wish...

All I want to do is protect him.

So we've been living our lives.
Living our life.
With all our outside stresses inevitably impinging on our time together.
But we manage.

I am his refuge.
And he is my strength.

Both of my aged parents aren't well. My mom had the stroke I wrote of last spring, and 2 bouts of pneumonia, and what they're calling a silent heart attack. My dad was very ill with what may have been just a virus, but the high fever and just being in the hospital rendered him confused and sometimes downright hallucinatory. I was up visiting him a week ago and he kept trying to eat my hand. Very curious... He's coming out of it now, slowly, but when he finally leaves the hospital it's unlikely he'll go back to their apartment. Rather, he'll join my mom in the nursing wing of their continuing care place, leaving me and my sister to empty out the apartment and dispose of the stuff.

At least we are both very relaxed about all that and don't foresee any battles over who gets what. What a relief!

Of course, the fiend and I have our problems.
Old issues and new ones.

A brand new issue came to light the morning after he offered me that song that says what he will never say out of his own mouth. And he knows I'll laugh in his face (well, not really) if he denies the meaning of telling me to listen and then telling me to listen once more before trotting off to bed. There is no way he can claim he doesn't mean what he had to be meaning.

I'm happy.
Problems and all,
I'm happy.

We are so different in so many ways, we are probably protected by not being able to have a standard relationship because it would surely crash and split apart on the rocks of our differences. But now... what we are... what we are for each other... what we give each other...

[Excuse me while I go all moony for a bit.]

OK, that's enough. I have things to do before people come for tonight's debate party.

You were wondering about the title of this post?

Ah yes.
Something he wanted you to know.

Tell them, he said.
Tell them you are very tight.
And not,
he said,
merely tight for someone your age.

So there.

PS - I lost 12 pounds in 6 weeks.

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