Monday, March 2, 2015

A moment of weakness

Well, it was more than a moment.
It was all day.
I was coming apart.

Damn, I was coming apart. I hurt so much inside, I couldn't imagine not belonging to this man who is truly extraordinary despite all his faults and weaknesses. It got worse and worse all day until finally I decided that I didn't care.

I knew that if I were smart and responsible and self-respecting I would stay the hell away from him but I didn't care. You know the song. Love has no pride. But it wasn't just a matter of love.

So I sent him the following:
Subject: I can't do it, Sir. I can't walk away.

I tried, Sir.
I really tried.
I tried to do the smart thing.
The safe thing.
And I just can't.
Because, Sir.
Precisely because - this is not a game.
It would be so much easier if it were. I could say sorry, I don't want to play with you anymore. I'll find someone else to play with.
But it isn't that, Sir. It's never been that. Not merely because you set that down as a ground rule. But because it is the truth. For me as well as for you, it is the truth.
Even if, Sir, you never see me again, never talk to me again, never acknowledge this message, I will still belong to you. Always. It's an immutable fact.
I went to discuss it with the Wise Woman. A sign on the cave said:

Closed Until Further Notice
But I knew what she would say, Sir.
And I tried.
Oh, how I tried.
But I couldn't stay away,

I'm sorry, Sir, for going all silent on you. I was upset and scared and in pain (an internal injury to my hip - muscle, ligament, nerve, some such thing) and you had said you didn't want to talk about what happened and that I couldn't send you my reactions. So all I wanted was to escape. To save myself.
But I can't stop belonging to you.
I tried to run away from home, Daddy.
But the buses stopped running.
And I forgot to bring food.
Please, Daddy.
Please let me come home.
I know.
On the other hand, part of my job had been to feed his ego.
Consider this one last attempt.

He responded:
It's too late.

And you're better off without me.

And by that, he freed me.
For which I am grateful.


little said...

I have been following for longer than you know been a quiet observer
I am heart broken for you and He. I know neither of you but in my journey you have both been a shining example of a life I need to touch.
May all good things come to you both.

mc kitten said...


am I allowed to say he's a jerk?

I KNOW it's more complex than that, but...

(ps, formerly known as mamacrow)

Lea said...

I'm not sure if that response makes him a jerk or a hero.

I just hope that's what's best for you.

Lea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liras said...

Things change. I hope that this change (like all you will face) is beneficial to you.