It was all day.
I was coming apart.
Damn, I was coming apart. I hurt so much inside, I couldn't imagine not belonging to this man who is truly extraordinary despite all his faults and weaknesses. It got worse and worse all day until finally I decided that I didn't care.
I knew that if I were smart and responsible and self-respecting I would stay the hell away from him but I didn't care. You know the song. Love has no pride. But it wasn't just a matter of love.
So I sent him the following:
Subject: I can't do it, Sir. I can't walk away.
And I just can't.The safe thing.I tried to do the smart thing.I tried, Sir.I really tried.
Precisely because - this is not a game.
It would be so much easier if it were. I could say sorry, I don't want to play with you anymore. I'll find someone else to play with.
But it isn't that, Sir. It's never been that. Not merely because you set that down as a ground rule. But because it is the truth. For me as well as for you, it is the truth.
Even if, Sir, you never see me again, never talk to me again, never acknowledge this message, I will still belong to you. Always. It's an immutable fact.
I went to discuss it with the Wise Woman. A sign on the cave said:
Closed Until Further Notice
Oh, how I tried.But I knew what she would say, Sir.And I tried.But I couldn't stay away,I'm sorry, Sir, for going all silent on you. I was upset and scared and in pain (an internal injury to my hip - muscle, ligament, nerve, some such thing) and you had said you didn't want to talk about what happened and that I couldn't send you my reactions. So all I wanted was to escape. To save myself.
But I can't stop belonging to you.
And I forgot to bring food.I tried to run away from home, Daddy.But the buses stopped running.
Yes.Please, Daddy.Please let me come home.
On the other hand, part of my job had been to feed his ego.
Consider this one last attempt.
It's too late.And you're better off without me.
For which I am grateful.