Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Living with the beast

I'm thinking... maybe I should approach his sadism as if he had a chronic illness. After all, for better or worse, I have experience with such things. Ex-hubby #2 had Crohn's disease. It was always there. Always a concern. I was always noting how long he was spending in the bathroom. Wondering how long until he was doubled over in pain. How long till I'd have to insist on a trip to the emergency room.

But only sometimes did it get completely out of control.
At which point things became miserable.
For us both.
Although in that case, it was his body that suffered.
Whereas now...

No, no, no!
He has never sent me to the hospital.
Or anywhere near it.
Wipe that thought right out of your heads.
He works very hard to protect me.
He works a lot harder at controlling his sadism
(at least where I'm concerned)
than ex-hubby #2 ever did with respect to his Crohn's.

But sometimes, with both of them, there are flare-ups.
They're inevitable.
Who knows all the reasons?
Although I have my own suspicions.

And then there's this.

It turned out that all of ex-hubby's professions of love were lies. Or maybe more accurately misunderstandings on his part. He didn't really know what love is.

Whereas my Master
my Owner
my Daddy
so carefully controls his avowals of affection
that I know -
I know -
that whatever he does allow himself to say,
whatever emotions he does allow himself to admit to,
he most definitely means.

And then
my only response
my only possible response
is silence
as I take the words
and turn them over in my hands
wondering at their shy glow.

1 comment:

t1klish said...

I can relate to the part at the end about how controlled his expressions of affection are. Master is that way with me. He declared our relationship to be only about sex from the beginning, and I have never pushed him for more. So whenever he expands our relationship in any way, I know he has thought about it and wants it and has chosen to do it all on his own, which shows me that he actually must want more from me after all.