Sunday, June 22, 2008

“Obedience as an expression of fidelity”

The title phrase sits before me, scrawled in black magic marker on a post-it note the color of new spring leaves. It popped into my head last night, shortly before I headed off to bed, and while I didn’t want to stay up late expanding on the ideas already roiling around in my sleepy brain, I didn’t want to risk losing it.

Except now I don’t remember where I was planning on going with it.

It’s odd, come to think of it. Because when I finally awoke for good this morning, it was with the disturbing remnants of a dream in which I seemed to be involved with a sweet and sexy Greek man I met on a boat somewhere in the vicinity of Greece. I was doing my best to control my activities so as not to betray my promise to be faithful to the philosopher, but there’s no denying that I was drawn to the Greek and missed him when we parted. The dream left me feeling a bit off-kilter, though later, in recalling the behaviour of the man, I came to suspect that he WAS the philosopher, though in a different guise. I’m still puzzling over how to interpret it, but suspect it has to do with longing…

Meanwhile, since writing the above, I’ve been trying for hours to write a cohesive and meaningful essay on the topic, while dealing with constant interruptions of phone calls and cats and supper and laundry. And I’ve tossed it all out, because it was nothing but a bowl of mush. I do know where I’m headed... passing through keeping kosher and pink panties via symbols and reminders to submission, and obedience as a sign of commitment. There might also have been something tossed in about fidelity not necessarily meaning monogamy, though in my case, in this relationship, it definitely does.

But I'm giving up. Because draft after draft ended up gloppy. So I'm leaving it as a bright green post-it note, and if any of you want to improvise on it, you are more than welcome.

Later... my master called, and before he indulged his desire to hurt me, after which he brought me to probably the loudest orgasm I've ever had in my life, the mere fact that he was listening enabled me to present the whole theory in three short, clear sentences. The advantage of being owned by a professor, even if he is ABD. And he doesn't want me to worry about the dream, which I think in fact is about missing his physical presence. Still, we sure felt snuggly after he made me cum... and i'm feeling snuggly still... so g'night, all...

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