Sometimes I think I'm not really submissive.
Oh yes, there are all those grand feelings, the romantic statements about being owned and soft and yielding and serving his pleasure and accepting the (very moderate amounts of) pain and being fucked by his friends and all that sort of thing.
But when it comes down to something simple,
a simple order,
a clearly defined limit,
I can't seem to pull it off.
I think too much. I complicate things for myself. I know I should do just this, and then start thinking but no in this situation I'm always supposed to do THAT, so I had better do THAT.
And of course I am wrong.
I think too much and not enough.
I read too fast.
I don't really listen.
My mind races ahead and I get things wrong.
For those of you who would defend me or attack him, I appreciate your thoughts. I appreciate your intentions. But it is clear to me that it is more than just whether or not I can satisfy the demands of the fiend. Demands which really, when it comes down to it, are not that extreme. Demands which I have screwed up again and again. Very simple expectations. Nothing weird or exotic. Write this. Report that. Practice this technique. Remember what I have told you. Remember this position. Remember how I like to have my cock sucked. And is it too much to ask to go to bed at 11:10 rather than at 11:13?
We are not talking anything very exotic here. Just simple demonstrations of obedience that in their preciseness, more than any declarations of devotion, says everything.
But my problem is definitely greater than that. I look back at my life, in school, at different jobs, in conversations, and I see the same problems. Not really listening, or responding to things too fast. Always needing to argue, to protest, to show how clever I am, to want to do it my own way. Totally incapable, when it really doesn't matter, of saying yes. I will. I will do that. I will do that the way you have told me to. And then get it done. On time.
I have screwed up again, with one simple phrase, and wouldn't be surprised if he washed his hands of me. If he decides it wasn't worth the effects on his blood pressure. If I can't do one simple thing right, how can he believe that I am truly as willing to serve him as I say I am.
Am I truly capable of properly serving anyone?
Whether as a submissive or as an employee?
I am in deep despair.