Monday, October 11, 2010

Doubting my own submission

Sometimes I think I'm not really submissive.

Oh yes, there are all those grand feelings, the romantic statements about being owned and soft and yielding and serving his pleasure and accepting the (very moderate amounts of) pain and being fucked by his friends and all that sort of thing.

But when it comes down to something simple,
a simple order,
a clearly defined limit,
I can't seem to pull it off.

I think too much. I complicate things for myself. I know I should do just this, and then start thinking but no in this situation I'm always supposed to do THAT, so I had better do THAT.

And of course I am wrong.

Utterly wrong.

I think too much and not enough.
I read too fast.
I don't really listen.
My mind races ahead and I get things wrong.

For those of you who would defend me or attack him, I appreciate your thoughts. I appreciate your intentions. But it is clear to me that it is more than just whether or not I can satisfy the demands of the fiend. Demands which really, when it comes down to it, are not that extreme. Demands which I have screwed up again and again. Very simple expectations. Nothing weird or exotic. Write this. Report that. Practice this technique. Remember what I have told you. Remember this position. Remember how I like to have my cock sucked. And is it too much to ask to go to bed at 11:10 rather than at 11:13?

We are not talking anything very exotic here. Just simple demonstrations of obedience that in their preciseness, more than any declarations of devotion, says everything.

But my problem is definitely greater than that. I look back at my life, in school, at different jobs, in conversations, and I see the same problems. Not really listening, or responding to things too fast. Always needing to argue, to protest, to show how clever I am, to want to do it my own way. Totally incapable, when it really doesn't matter, of saying yes. I will. I will do that. I will do that the way you have told me to. And then get it done. On time.

I have screwed up again, with one simple phrase, and wouldn't be surprised if he washed his hands of me. If he decides it wasn't worth the effects on his blood pressure. If I can't do one simple thing right, how can he believe that I am truly as willing to serve him as I say I am.

Am I truly capable of properly serving anyone?
Whether as a submissive or as an employee?

I am in deep despair.


Miss A said...

My dearest Oatmeal Girl, do not despair.

Your sadist has forgotten that you have ADD and so have you. You lost your way because it is especially easy for people with ADD to lose their way.

I was meeting a new dominant man for the first time recently and laughed at an inopportune time. He growled at me, then swatted me hard, then demaned to know the problem.

The problem was the sound track. He had music on, a song came up with goofy lyrics and it made me laugh. Because my flavor of ADD makes me especially sensitive to audio distractions.

He swatted me some more, to punish me for my sins, demanded that I keep my focus where it belonged and then, eventually, kindly turned down the sound. Which meant I actually could focus on him.

You lost your connection with the sadist for awhile. He's angry at this moment, but he will get over it. You will too.

Don't question your submission, sweetie. Your submissive nature is obvious. You advertise it with every line in your blog. But it's easy to forget (or deny) the toll on attention and memory that ADD takes.

So please, darling girl, give yourself a break. Everyone else may have forgotten the recording that led to the brief break up between you and your Muse. But I haven't. We all make mistakes, including him.

In this case, you both did because you both forgot about the ADD. ADD is not an excuse, of course, but it is a plausible explanation for your behavior. So calm down, Miss OG. Tomorrow will be better. It really will.

Miss D

Miss A said...

P.S. What is it with you and Meg, anyway? Of course you're both submissive. Jeez. Is there some kind of Official Seal of Submission that y'all feel like you no longer qualify for? Question it, by all means question it, but don't take the question too seriously for too long. We're all such over-thinkers. Enough already. And I mean that in the nicest way possible, I really do. Have some ice cream and move on.:-)

oatmeal girl said...

Thank you, Miss A. I do know how much the ADD has to do with it. But even so, in a case such as this, I don't this the Americans with Disabilities Act will cover. Much as he has been enticed by me, the sadist has clearly stated for over 2 years now that I am supremely aggravating. I would not be surprised if he didn't finally decide that my cocksucking skills were not worth the stress of putting up with me. Especially as the spell I somehow cast over him when he first spied me on FetLife seems to have finally worn off.

oatmeal girl said...

Thanks for the PS, love. But I've largely sworn off ice cream due to the recently diagnosed diabetes. And giving it up has certainly helped me lose weight. The current situation has contributed as well. Not much appetite left...

But than you. Really. Thank you. This is a hard time of year for me to deal with anything, as the days grow shorter, and my mind, consequently, grows fuzzier.

sweetsassyT said...

Miss A is correct. She understands how her ADD works. Do you? Do you know how to fix some of it? Do you know how to assess some speed of time to those around you, gauge your own speed, and move your clock to run with theirs? That's probably confusing isn't it? You function at 80 miles an hour, and you view everyone else functioning at 40 miles an hour. In reality, they are not, they are at a very normal speed of probably 60. Adjust your speed to theirs and your life will come more into focus. One of many, many tips. If he wants to help you, the two of you might consider embarking on an ADD fax finding mission. We are very good at throwing solutions to ADD people. If they could do those in the first place, they wouldn't have issues. The solutions on how you accommodate your life around it have to come from you. But, you have to understand it, own it, and know there are solutions to embrace. I wish you luck, Darlin'. I do think this will be ongoing tugs and pulls until you reach the root of the problem and understand it completely. Not understand what some one has told you about it, understand it from successful people who make it work in their favor, not in their constant disadvantage! Hugs sweet girl.