Friday, October 1, 2010

Not submissive enough? What then?

sin asked "How do I become more submissive? How do I give him more of what he wants?" - directing her question to "you truly submissive women and men."

This elicited a spate of comments, which are worth reading. Typically, my own comment was rather different from the others - and not, perhaps, what sin was expecting to hear.

Comments, anyone? Not just on what I wrote, but on the issues themselves.
  • What is a "true submissive"?
  • Does such a creature actually exist?
  • What does it mean to be not submissive enough?
  • What can be done about it?
And here is what I had to say:

"True submissives."

I am always leery of labels. But there is no denying that I am inherently very submissive. So I guess I qualify.

But all we can do is speak from our own, personal experiences. There is no one way to be submissive. To feel submissive. And there is no one way for someone to be dominant. There is no One True Road to a satisfying D/s relationship.

But here is what has happened with me. It hasn't just been me pushing myself to change, to yield, to give more, to sink deeper. The sadist has brought me to where I am. He has a plan. A long, detailed, ever growing and evolving plan. For real! It is written down, with specific steps leading to specific goals. In an orderly fashion, he has been exploring different aspects of who I am, what he has seen in me, who he wants me to be with him, what he wants me to do. Sometimes when he visits, it is purely to serve his pleasure. But often his visit is a lesson, part of the process, and he has worked out ahead of time what he will do and what he expects to achieve.

Yes, I work hard for him. Yes, I have grown and changed and also embraced things that were already deep inside me that I never knew were there. Realizing I was his baby girl is a prime example of that. He brought me to the point that I saw it myself - something he had seen when he first discovered me. And it took 2 YEARS to get to that point. If he had just said back then, or even a year ago - "Call me Daddy and be my baby girl", I would have had a very hard time following through.

I am his project.
I am his creation.
He nurtures what I am.
He trains me to please him.
He leads me into degradation.
He makes me flirt with my destruction.
He scares me half to death.
And he makes me yearn for more.

But I don't go there on my own. He shows me the way. And - another important point - he changes the plan when he sees that it isn't working. He complains, but he goes back and rewrites and redirects and slows down and eventually ends up where he wants to be anyway.

So I am not the one making myself more submissive. He does that. And by so doing, makes me want to yield more - and lures me into giving him information that allows him to further tighten the chain around my neck.

PS - I should note that he has well over 30 years experience - as a dom and as a rather extreme sadist. In that time, he has had many submissives and slaves, and currently has 3 others that I know of.


Paul said...

OG, seems to me that He is the Sculptor and you the clay, yet this clay is self conscious, aware and willing.
Love and warm hugs,

MrJ said...

I think that dominance is not working towards a fixed end goal. Rather it is about making a submissive explore areas she would never have entered on her own initiative, and making her acknowledge that this is taking her much closer to her true self.

True submission is about authentically following His lead, even when not knowing where it will take you, and even when initially feeling uncertain or even repelled about it.

True submission thus is path- and context-dependent, and presupposes rather than ignores self-identity, will and autonomy on the side of the sub.
By this very nature, it cannot be caught in any generic, universal standards. It can, in casu, be judged, though, by a true Dominant, and be recognized by a sincere sub.

Anonymous said...

Oh, lord. I think of them as "official submissives" and they are perfectly described by someone who responded to sin, (sorry I can't recall who it was, 'cause it's hilarious), as always cheerful and submissive, able to eat everything without gaining weight and getting younger every year. Yeah. Intimidating.
I am not an official submissive. Do I crawl? Yes. Do I love it? Yes. Do I submit? You betcha. Do I spend hours contemplating submission, and what The Man is likely to ask of me, and enjoying the subsequent twitches and wriggles? Oh, yeah.
However - there are days when I am approximately as submissive as Leona Helmsley appeared to be, and there are moments when I am so mad at TM that I'm sure I'll never feel submissive again.
And then, he'll say something, in /that/ tone of voice, and I'll commence melting faster than the polar ice cap.
So, I agree with you. The fiend educates and enhances your submission, opening doors to aspects of it you might not have discovered on your own. For me, TM does the same thing, and I rely on him for that jolt.
He, of course, relies on my (sometimes snarky) cooperation in my degradation, and puts up with my bitchiness in part because, he says, it is "fun" to see how quickly he can make it disappear. Ha!
I also agree with you re: the One True Road to D/s - or anything, for that matter. Ain't no such thing.
The Snarky Submissive - jcn