Thursday, August 25, 2011

Naked wrestling with jealousy

sin has been talking about jealousy lately.
And here.
Specifically, jealousy in response to her Dom's interactions with another submissive.

I tossed in my opinion, and given that I've been feeling extremely disinclined to post since coming home from "Band Camp", as the philosopher calls it, I'll take the lazy way out and reprint my comments below. Not that there's anything new in them. You've heard it before. I know the sadist has numerous other submissives. More than the ones I've specifically been informed of. I've met 3 of them and expect to meet more, though surely not all. And it doesn't bother me.

It used to.
A lot.
Back when I knew of only the one.
His masochist slave.
Now I'm fine.
Which isn't like me.

Anyway, you can read my blathering below.

But first, a question.

sin wrote specifically about jealousy towards other submissives. But:
  • What about towards a Dom(me)'s significant other, if there is one?
  • If that jealousy and resentment exists, is it of a different nature from feelings toward other subs and/or slaves?
  • Does it make a difference if the wife/husband/partner is also a submissive?
  • What if the other person is another Dom(me)?
  • How do you feel if you are a submissive spouse/partner knowing that your Dom(me) has other submissives and/or slaves?
The underlying assumption is that the submissive has not willingly and with intention entered into a polyamorous relationship. Rather, the person holding the power has set the ground rules and the sub is trying to deal with them. The issues arising in a true poly relationship seem somewhat different; I do hope swan will toss in something on this.

Please do weigh in.
And please do visit sin's blog.
It's the least I can do for appropriating her topic.

Now here's what I wrote over at her place:

I can't say that I'm turned on by knowing that the sadist has other submissives. But I no longer have a problem with it. In general I am very insecure, and have a great fear of being rejected. Earlier in our relationship, I did have a strong sense of competitiveness with his masochist slave. Now I'm just grateful that he has another outlet for his most extreme sadistic needs. His slave is part of the construct that protects both me and our relationship, and has literally saved my ass numerous times.

The main thing, though, is that I finally feel secure in that relationship. I have a stronger understanding of my Master's feelings for me and my special place in his collection.

It does surprise me that I'm so calm about it all. The only resentment I harbor is that perhaps he would have more time for me if he didn't have to manage such a big stockpile of submissives. On the other hand, our meetings are so reach and intense, I'm not sure that I could manage much more than one a week. Can one live on heavy cream? Even when spiced with hot pepper oil?

My acceptance amazes me, and I can't say I would feel the same about any other relationship, so I'm certainly not holding myself up as a role model.

Good luck.
I know it's hard.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don't think jealousy is subject to logic. I can use logic to explain why I'm generally ok with my current situation, but logic didn't get me to where I am. And I definitely don't think that just because I'm ok, anyone else should be.

My recommendation? Don't beat yourself up about it. If the jealousy is to ease, it will happen over time. Work on the relationship as a whole. Focus on what YOU have with him, what you are to him, and what he is with you. Focus on your relationship FOR ITS OWN SAKE. What else is there?

And let yourself accept that yes, you are jealous, and that this is NOT an abnormal state to be in.

Perhaps the only other thing I might suggest is to try to avoid letting it affect your behaviour. You can't change your feelings by force of will, but you can try to control what you do. And that's one of the gifts of serving as a submissive: learning self-control. Learning to move our focus outside of ourselves and onto someone else, and basing our behaviour on someone else's needs and requirements. We willingly agree to change that focus and, in a relationship with a skilled, responsible, thoughtful Dom(me), we learn and grow.

It's hard.
I know it's hard.
That's ok.

I think if submission weren't hard, weren't a challenge, we wouldn't gain so much from it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So what do you think?


sin said...

I really liked your comments today. I agree, I don't think jealousy is subject to logic. You can't persuade or think yourself out of it. Yes, I have to focus on what we have and not on his relationships with other people that might or might not make me crazy. And yes, sometimes acting is all we can do.

But oh there's so much more.

And I do think it makes a difference if the Dom's significant other is of a different persuasion, fills a different niche. I think it's easier to understand then.

I also think the newness of the partner's other partner makes a difference.

oatmeal girl said...

"I also think the newness of the partner's other partner makes a difference."

So one of the things that can rankle is "How can he possibly need anyone else when he already has me?!"

swan said...

I appreciate the invitation to engage with this, but I have battered myself to death on these rocks so many times... I am sure I have not lost my propensity for being jealous. Right now, I suspect that I am too tired to let myself even consider what might be happening regarding "others." Whatever, I am not willing to take a chance on confronting that set of demons again. I am not secure at this point, and I do not know where I stand, and I cannot risk rocking my boat. If there are others, I do not know about them and I hope I don't come to know about them...

I have been round and round with this part of the life I lead, and I am convinced that I will never be able to quiet the voice inside my head that wants to remind me (and Him) of what I've invested in all of this -- the one that insists that He owes me... something. That is probably the core of the jealousy for me -- the pure, wrenching knowledge that no matter what I bring to the bargain, it will never, ever be enough... I will never, ever be enough.

It sucks.


oatmeal girl said...

sin, of course I read your comment too fast. Always gets me in trouble. I'm wondering about your use of the word "acting" - which doesn't sound like what I meant and isn't really something I would recommend. It reminds me of a comment a while back that recommended pretending that something hurt more than it really did. Not acceptable. At least not to my Master.

So not acting. At least to my mind. More it's not letting what we are feeling get in the way of serving in the way that is required. In the way that will give him pleasure.

And still - honesty. If I'm asked how I feel, I tell the truth. I must. He would want no less - and knows when I'm lying. Although sometimes (in this and other areas) he thinks I'm lying when I'm telling the truth. No one is infallible.

No one.

And yet we try to serve as if they are.

mamacrow said...

I could potentially be open to a polly relationship, on either part, but I'm not at all sure when D/s comes into it...

And even then, there are so many stipulations... I think I'd be open to Papacrow and I mutally bringing someone else into the relationship as it were (we have discussed, and decided it's one of those things best kept to fantasy), but him, having separate relationships with others? Dont think I could handle that. and He definitely couldn't handle me having separate relationships with others.

its a tricky one..