Saturday, January 7, 2012

I'm afraid

Is it unfounded?
Hallucinatory?
Hormone-based insecurity?

It suddenly washed over me today - the fear, the sadness, the despair, the conviction that the change in schedule means the end of our relationship as it has been developing for well over 3 years. As it has stubbornly persisted and grown in spite of our intensity - or perhaps because of it. As we've battled  each other and ourselves. As we've come so close and wanted so much that we've run screaming and then returned because we couldn't stay away.

There is so much of our brains involved in what we have, our minds, our creativity, the special mental connection that makes what we have so different... but it's the physical that blasts down the walls and both fires and soothes us.

When he's so busy -
when I'm so tired -
when we can't touch each other for weeks at a time -
can it last?

Or will I lapse into being just one of the many he has to choose from when he needs amusement?

I don't know.
And I'm afraid to find out.

3 comments:

Lily said...

Ask for the reassurance you need. Ask for it! Really.

Something along the lines of: "When we're apart for a long time I start worrying that you'll lose interest in me.

I'd love it if you told me how desirable you find me :)"

greengirl said...

You are - each of you - and you together - different than you were three years ago. You have so much structure built up over that time - structure and knowledge to support you. You have more to work with to adapt. So - i think it can last.

nancy said...

I have to agree that asking is not a bad idea.. they may be dominant and sadistic and all that .. but mind readers.. not so much.

And you do have quite a history together.. somehow I don't think he is going to let such a good pet go by the wayside!