Saturday, June 23, 2012

Technological sabotage? Or brain death?

Thank you, Travis Tritt.

Can we put this one down to a failure at Yahoo?
Or just to a misunderstanding on my part?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
But I was moping around this afternoon,
trying to nap this afternoon,
listening to songs that made me cry,
or songs that crying makes me want to listen to,
and I couldn't help myself.

Even knowing (or thinking I knew) that he had chosen to turn his back and walk away because something I said distressed him so much, I couldn't stand to not reach out. I was listening to Travis Tritt sing Anymore, which makes me cry under the best of circumstances, and then subjected myself to whatever else on the same album of greatest hits seemed to fit my mood. Proving, I guess, that I'm a masochist after all. Emotionally, any way. Eventually, I hit Tell Me I was Dreaming.

Tell me I was dreaming  
That you didn't leave me here to cry  
You didn't say you don't love me anymore  
And it was just my imagination telling lies

And then?
I sent him the link to the song.
Because I couldn't stand the silence.

He responded with Dylan's You're a Big Girl Now.

I’m going out of my mind, oh, oh
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we’ve been apart

My reply: My World is Empty Without You.

But not the main point.

Here's the main point.
He said it had been my choice.
That I had stopped communicating.
Which I hadn't.
Or didn't think I had.
In fact, I thought it was HE who had gone silent,
in displeasure over my message of Thursday night.

I didn't go silent.
I heard nothing in reply but didn't go silent.
I sent a brief good morning on Friday,
and then heard nothing all day.
And nothing today.
I thought he had gone silent.
With displeasure.

Perhaps he just had nothing to say, and expected me to keep reporting in. Perhaps I was so upset Thursday night that I couldn't imagine his not responding in some way - whereas in fact it's true that sometimes he just doesn't respond. If he has nothing to contribute, he doesn't respond. Thinking about it more as I write here, he was probably just ignoring what he saw as a tantrum and expecting me to carry on with my assignment.

Without complaining.

Even as I write, it becomes clearer. 
It's not even what I thought as we wrote back and forth today.
I thought he must not have gotten my messages.
Maybe he didn't get the Thursday night message.
Or the Friday good morning.
That's what I assumed.
Whereas in fact he was just ignoring my emotional outburst.
Which was probably just as well.

Had my brain shut down due to the extreme heat?
Could be.
It was hovering almost to 100 the last few days.

This is how it happens.
Again and again, this is how it happens.
It's more likely to be misunderstandings than anything else.
And I was so upset Thursday night
that I didn't even realize the fault was mine.

Even as, this afternoon, he gave me the chance to beg to be allowed to crawl back, I couldn't understand why he was pissed with me when I was sure it was just a matter of lost messages. It has happened before. Yahoo (which I don't use) can really mess up sometimes. But it wasn't that at all. He was Daddy, waiting for his little girl to settle down and get back to my chores, eventually thinking I had run away from home, and feeling the hurt and rejection that I felt when I thought he had been the one to walk away.

I'm not to bother him again tonight.
We'll see what happens when we talk again tomorrow.

And the last song I offered?
After the begging?

Love Has No Pride.
But if you want me to beg,
I'll fall down on my knees.
Asking for you to come back.
I'd be pleading for you to come back.
Begging for you to come back to me.


Lily said...

Oh, man.

Let this guy go.

This is just bad news, how he's treating you.

strivingforpeace said...

I'm sorry you guys ended up crossways of each other -- you now -- us sub types can really build things up in our heads to be something that it isn't sometimes

massive hugs


sin said...

I'm not sure I understand, but I hope that things work out.

GenuineRisk said...

Oh, boy.

I'm tempted to nominate Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Shut Up and Kiss Me"!

I'm glad the prognosis is good.

Really glad.


Sue said...

more hugs.


mamacrow said...

well... I know he's ALWAYS been upfront about the fact that he' will never give explanations or justifications about his behaviour, but this whole scenario seems just the teensist little bit unfair.

HOWEVER, I want FAR more for you to be happy so am hoping HARD that it all works out and the miscommunication is cleared up to the satisfaction of both of you xxx