Friday, September 24, 2010

On the road again

I'm on a little road trip, gracing family and friends with my overdue presence. Currently I'm in Boston, visiting my sister, meeting her married lover, and then moving on to an old and neglected friend. I realize that I isolated myself over the last few years - partly because of yielding to the sadist and partly, too, because of the effects of my now non-existent job.

I am not telling anyone about the fiend, although oddly enough, he seems eager for me to let people know about him in an anonymous sort of way. He even suggests I hint a little about his power over me.

I recoil at the thought.

S-- was in town before I left, and my impending departure shortened our visit. We spent a lovely few hours exploring a Nature Reserve on the way home from the airport, had a pleasant dinner and visit with friends, and then headed home for bedtime. Somehow I guessed that he would want to sleep with me again, despite the fact that he had previously stated that he wasn't having sex with people he wasn't in love with. We were very comfortable with each other, and it sounds as if perhaps things aren't quite as close now with our once-mutual lover. But (much to the sadist's annoyance) I turned him down. There were some very practical and sensible reasons for this - mainly that I needed a full night's sleep before the trip (sex with S-- can last for hours and I don't usually sleep well the first night with someone, even if that someone is an old lover). Plus there had been some performance issues previously (on his part) which caused some tension between us. He attributed them to his mixed feelings about sleeping with me considering that he was indeed in love with our once-mutual lover (and she in love with him, although there was no way they could actually be together due to their varied quirks and needs and her major psychological problems).

So it was a wise decision to say no. And how lovely to be able to do so, however gently, to someone who had treated me rather inconsiderately during the years we had a rather confused sexual relationship. He and the once-mutual love hurt me a lot due to their own confusion about each other and what they could handle.

But I also didn't want him to see my Master's mark. I suppose in a few more weeks it will be a vaguer scar, and I can brush it away. But I had no interest in any of the suggested comebacks that the sadist suggested:
In fact it might make for interesting conversation-you could make up whatever story you wanted or tell him it's none of his business or you're not allowed to disclose or whatever.
S-- and I have always been open with each other about our other relationships. Details aren't necessary, but the basic facts are usually proffered. I'm just not yet at the point where I feel comfortable saying anything at all, after these 2 years of keeping it all a secret. It just feels too personal to me, and an admission, even without details, feels too naked.

My owner is disgusted. He reminds me that my destiny is to serve the sexual satisfaction of men, and that I should take all opportunities that present themselves. I have also turned down another old friend and occasional lover - again because of wanting to protect our relationship. I love the power of saying no to people who said no to me.

But the fiend is right.
It is time to give of myself.
I think I'll e-mail the architect...

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