Sunday, November 7, 2010

To be dominated. To submit. Which do you really need?

We tend to think of them together.
Dominance and submission.
The other person tells you what to do,
and you do it.
The other person does things to you,
and you take it.

But in another recent discussion with the sadist, he raised a question about underlying need. "There is a difference between being dominated and submitting," he said. Which made me stop and think.

He's right, of course.

I'm not being judgmental here, though he obviously sees a clear hierarchy with respect to his own needs. But for anyone else, I don't care. Certainly anyone involved in BDSM knows that different people are happiest with different kinds of relationships, sexual or otherwise. But what if there is a disconnect between what the different sides of the relationship are after? And what if there is a mismatch between what you really need and what you think you are after? That can add even further stress if you are trying to achieve some ideal version of submission when what you really enjoy is being dominated.

So what's the difference? Dominance and submission seem to be no more than 2 ends of a teeter-totter (as we used to call a seesaw), with one needing the other in order to work. But try thinking of it this way. As a submissive, what is it that drives you? Or rather, what do you feel driven to do? What is it that fulfills you? What is it that turns you on, not just physically but also mentally, emotionally?

His (or Her) standing over you?
His bringing his hand down on your unprotected ass?
His fucking you without letting you cum?
His calling you humiliating names?
His making you go out in slutty clothes?
His saying that you are his to do with as he wishes?

Or your giving yourself up to him (or her)?
Feeling safer when someone else encloses your life?
Kneeling not because it feels good,
or makes you wet,
or because you've been told that's what a sub does
in this or that position out of a book,
but because it is the only way to approach showing how you feel?

As you've probably figured out if you've been reading here for a while, I am intensely submissive. As the sadist said on Friday, what I offer is beyond submission. I need to submit, he says. And more than that. I need to surrender.

That doesn't deny that I've struggled with it. I am headstrong and willful and forgetful, with a tendency to confusion. I've been fighting people all my life, fighting a world that doesn't understand me, that rejects me, so that now that I've met someone who does accept me, does understand me, and whose efforts have helped me understand my true self, I have trouble letting go of the urge to resist. But I'm making progress, and because he knows what lies within me he looks past my missteps and moves slowly and inexorably towards his goal.

So that's the question for the day.
In which direction do your needs flow?
How much of it is about the physical exchanges?
How much is about the mental connection?
How much is about the high?
How much is about the wet spot forming between your legs?

And how much is about the need to let go,
to give,
to obey,
and to surrender...

This may not make sense.
And there are no right answers.

The only right answer is your own truth.

And the next question is - how does your truth match your dom's needs?


sweet kk said...

food for thought, OG... thanks for this.


Jen said...

OH, I love your posts.
Every single one of them.

I actually cried reading this.
Something about it stuck a deep chord with me. I got to thinking about my own wonderful D/s relationship, and I got a little emotional. (Good emotional!)

Thank you so much for this :)
You are beautiful.


Paul said...

OG, I'm a Top. I've never found a perfect match.
I'm very glad you seem to have found one.
Love and warm hugs,

aisha said...

O, how cool. i think my blog post today would suggest that i'm intensely submisssive... i have to think about it some more though. Thanks for sharing.


betty kiss said...

Very interesting. I wrote a post on this a few weeks ago as I too had only just realised that there is a difference.

worm said...

I have been struggling with this question since I got 'started' a few years ago. Sometimes I think that I am just wrapped up in the romanticism of the D/s connection and as such, hold onto to this fantasy of the 'perfect match.' But, like many who identify as submissive, I am so fiercely not in my way in this world, with friends, family, at work, that I feel I must listen to this inner voice that craves this quiet acquiescence.

So far, I have learned that I am compelled by my desire to please and it does indeed go well beyond sexual feelings. But I definitely need to be dominated before my desire to submit is triggered. I am a tough nut! And, I hope that a shared and mindful dance, that involves both domination and submission can be created. If that can be achieved, then I feel certain that I can relax and fully enjoy my need to submit.

Thank you your thoughtful post.

Liras said...

OG. The match is one of the hardest to get right. But when it is is a wonder to behold.