Monday, October 10, 2011

From behind the gauze curtain, the naked silhouette speaks

She confesses.
The title of this post means nothing.
But I wanted something more creative than"Update."
Or "Yes, I'm still here."

There's been this and that.
A cold.
Yom Kippur.
Continued cautious work on our relationship.

I was supposed to have been heading north this weekend on a ridiculous task for my parents, but happily my participation has been cancelled for a variety of reasons. However, that meant the fiend had not set aside time for a visit tomorrow - which is just as well as he is one of the few men I know not to claim that he never gets sick. So he wouldn't have come anyway. I don't know if he can manage a visit on any other day this week.

Things are still in one of their periodic states of flux. He is feeling sensitive, I think, and has told me to avoid words that imply ownership. So I address him as Sir and as Daddy. I am still his pet. I am still his little girl. There is still a struggle over one particular issue.

Leading up to Yom Kippur, I was very penitent and distressed at my role in our upheavals. He said I had nothing to atone to him for. I was touched. We both struggle - with what we feel, with what we expect, with what we hope for, and with who we are. I'm starting to believe those struggles will never end. Sometimes a hard steel wall comes down in front of my feelings, and I imagine myself walking away.

Eventually, always, I realize I can't.

I am who I am now because of him.
Because he freed me to be myself.
Because my service gives me strength.
Because he believes in me and wants me to believe in myself.

Yom Kippur was wonderful. All the High Holy Day services were particularly meaningful this year, on both a spiritual and a personal level. There was a theme of doubt and questioning and struggle and faith. Elie Wiesel said that without doubt there could be no faith. A new friend - a Jew by Choice (one of many in our GLBT congregation) - said that when she converted she was asked all sorts of questions but never whether she believed in God. As someone who is extremely uneasy about this whole God business, I found the whole discussion very comforting and accepting.

And as I write about it now, I find reassurance on a personal level as well. Perhaps the doubts, the struggles, with respect to exactly what the sadist sees me to be and expects me to do, perhaps these recurring upheavals make me stronger. Make my submission stronger. I am continually renewing the covenant. My submission, my devotion, my obedience, my service - none of this is taken for granted.

I suffer.
I struggle.
And when I kneel,
when I serve,
I yield with a clear mind
and a focused will.

Meanwhile, the sun returned.
And stayed out for days.
Where there is sun, there is hope.

There is also a scab on my left butt cheek from where the fiend bit me last week. We both hope it will leave a scar.

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