This film sucks!

 I'm just wondering, though. Did you look at my blog? Or just get me off last year's list of top sex bloggers?

There it was. Another request for my expert opinion. Usually they want me to link to their miserable site, or put up a banner, or review a sex toy. submission & metaphor is not a vibrator review blog. I get one a month from EdenFantasys - and wow. Did I get a bang out of the latest one! If life stays stable I should have the review on that one ready by the end of the weekend.

I also don't post ads.

The only ad is the one for the anthology containing my story.

Anyone looking at my blog can tell that I don't post ads.

So when they ask, I think they haven't bothered looking.

This one definitely sounded like they hadn't bothered looking. The message began:

Hey Oatmeal Girl,

Our firm is working on a new movie, “Hollywood Sex Wars,” which basically chronicles the superficial Hollywood dating scene in a humorous and raunchy way. We’d love to send you a copy in hopes that you might write a quick blog about it. Whether you love it or hate it, we’d love to get your thoughts on the movie.

About the movie:

“Hollywood Sex Wars” is an unapologetic, comedic satire of the 20-something’s single life.[...]

 OK.

Stop right there.

This is when I wondered if she had even looked at the blog.

I'm 62-years old.

I'm a poet.

I live in metaphors.

Do I sound like someone who would appreciate this sort of thing?

She said they had checked out my blog. That they wanted a variety of opinions on it. And she added:

[...] this film is raunchy and fun; purely entertainment, but we would love to get a variety of opinions and thoughts about it, so we’re reaching out to many different film reviewers and bloggers for their thoughts.

OK, I thought. I like fun. I like raunchiness. My facility with double entendres can make the toughest man blush. And if nothing else, it will give me something to be snarky about. So sure. Send it.

I must have been feeling really desperate for blog material.

Especially as I agreed to it even after watching the trailer.

What was I thinking?!

Not much, obviously.

So yes, the DVD arrived, while S-- was here, and I whisked away the envelope to be sure he didn't see the contents. I was embarrassed to have it in the house. (Unlike the sweet little DVD of vintage erotica I bought a few years ago for the enjoyment of the philosopher and me. Lovely, that one. I wish I knew what I did with it...)

Friday night I watched it.

Hollywood Sex Wars.

It was not fun.

Not at all fun.

There was one good thing about it.

The DVD was in letterbox format.

I really appreciate letterbox format.

It transfers the film to your TV while respecting the director's artistic intent.

Artistic intent?

This?

Ha!

OK.

Scrap that.

Let me back up.

And let me try to be fair.

When I told the sadist about my new little project, he replied with the following:

I think your perspective will be valuable to them, as long as you keep in mind their goal. Movies, or any art form really, can only be judged fairly on its own terms. A participative watcher/reader/listener/consumer will meet the auteur at least halfway, entering his world, but if he then breaks his own rules, negative criticism is appropriate.

I always take the sadist's opinions seriously, and he did make a good point here. Though I do think that using the word auteur in this case is stretching it a bit.

So ok.

What was their goal?

Making money.

And from whom?

14-year old boys maybe?

I dunno.

I'm just speculating here.

Who would be satisfied with 

inane dialogue, 

cartoon characters,

minimal plot,

and sophomoric sex obsession?

13-year old boys?

I wouldn't know.

They do get rewarded with lots of naked tits.

Naked, pumped up, silicone-filled tits.

Ugly.

Not soft and sweet like mine...

So if that is all the "auteur" was after, he succeeded.

And who can fault him for wanting to make money?

For wanting to be one of the 1%?

And I'll bet the 14-year old bloggers are giving him a great review.

As for me?

Here are excerpts from my real-time notes:

Cannot relate to this whatsoever.
Probably meant only for men.
Boring and superficial.
Antisemitic.
Supposed to be satirical, but just boring.
So bad it was depressing.
And not even porn!

Not only wasn't it arousing; it was anti-arousing.

If I'd paid for it, I'd want my money back.
Since I didn't, I want my time back.

After it was done, I switched to a powerful old episode of Law & Order. It was called "Mushrooms" and featured brilliant performances by S. Epatha Merkerson and Regina Taylor. I was grateful for spending an hour with quality.

(If you really want to find out more, the official website is www.HollywoodSexWars.com. Don't say I didn't warn you.) 

Addendum: I do need to give the writer one bit of well-earned credit. And it's an important one. In the only scene that has any sense of honesty, there's a firm lesson - delivered as a lesson - on the importance of safe sex. I hope the 14-year old boys pay attention before returning to the bouncing boobs.