Sunday, May 23, 2010

Bruises, doctor? What bruises?

In meting out punishment, the gods rival my sadistic Master in both efficiency and cruelty. Or perhaps they were accomplices in this one.

A colonoscopy is recommended at age 50, and thus, a number of years ago, it was recommended to me. I'm a big believer in not putting off required tests - as long as they are to be done on someone else. Plus, circumstances required me to submit to a number of such nasty procedures in my earlier decades and, as we all know by now, I am not a masochist.

So I kept forgetting to make the appointment.
For 11 years.
Even after hearing first hand testimony that having a long tube stuck up one's anus is nowhere near as painful as it used to be.

Then suddenly this Spring I decided it was time to schedule a whole list of overdue tests and exams. Including this one. So 2 days from now, this Tuesday, I have a preliminary appointment with the doctor who will do the deed. I suspect she'll take a history, explain the procedure, and inspect my butt.

Ah yes.
My butt.
My poor, tender, beaten butt.

I've been lucky until now. The few times I've seen a doctor soon after an encounter with the fiend, the marks were either in places not relevant to that particular specialty or easily identifiable as love bites, so no questions were asked. This time, however, my bottom will most definitely be on view, decorated with an exquisite lattice of lingering pink welts and finger paintings of purple, black and green.

So what do I say?

Once, a long time ago, my headache doctor expressed concern about some bruises he observed on I'm not sure what portion of my body. He looked rather dubious when I told him the truth - that I bruise very easily and have a tendency to walk into things. However, there is no way I can blame the multicolor masterpiece that is my ass on my lack of depth perception.

Obviously, this is some cosmic punishment for not having had the colonoscopy done 11 years ago, back when I was having neither sex nor spankings. Though perhaps now I'd be due for another one.

I can't win.

Meanwhile - any suggestions?
What do you say?


Anonymous said...

Um... let's see I sat in a wicker chair that obviously didn't survive the winter well. It collapsed and I am? What a predicament!

Anonymous said...

Reschedule the appointment?

Anonymous said...

Seriously though...I doubt there will be an inspection of your posterior. Your doctor will most likely explain the procedure and the (awful) prep and give you an Rx for the prep meds. Doubt you will need to disrobe at all.

Jane said...

As a family doc, I would agree with anonymous above, doc is unlikely to look at your behind till day of actual colonoscopy. So you are probably good if you behave yourself for a bit before that day?

charlie said...

Having "enjoyed" the experience already, I can assure you that they will only see the "play field" at the time of the procedure-that final 1 hour of the test. So your clear until that time. The worst part of the procedure is the "cleansing" the night before- the liquids taste horrible ( almost lost it on the third glass)!

grace said...

They're all correct. They won't go near your rear until the day of the test. I've been there. ;)

Paul said...

OG, I think that you are safe.
Even if you still have marks, many doctors know about the games people play.
Not to worry.
Love and warm hugs,

Anonymous said...

Not to be Debbie Downer but I had the priviledge last year and when I had my first appt,the doc inspected my backside, and probed with a finger. Fun Fun.... maybe it depends on the physician. I vote for reschedule the appt, no need for the added worry and stress. Take care

mamacrow said...

a) yeah, the horse riding lessons relly arnt going well

b) thats stage make up, i'm an extra on 'Zombie butts 3'

c) Im a pro wrestler, you should see my oppenant, shes far worse off!

d) hmmm, yeah Ive been wondering how to explain that... *wink*