Saturday, May 15, 2010

Portion control - pain by the ounce

He doesn't hurt me any more.
At least for now, he doesn't hurt me any more.
He's a sadist, and he isn't hurting me.
He's protecting me.

He's driving me nuts.

He's being cautious.
He's being wise.

He will, I think, return to his former ways in a measured manner, increasing the pressure of his nipple twists a quarter notch at a time, upping the impact of his almost affectionate smacks on my ass, now no more than a potch in tukhes or two, until they leave my bottom hot and angry red. He will, he may, I hope someday take up again that beautiful turquoise and brown flogger that I lay out for every visit and for weeks has remained untouched.

I'm not a masochist.
I agree with his assertion that I'm not a masochist.

He knows me better than I know myself, and he definitely knows some masochists, so if he says I'm not one than of course I'm not. But I fear that his attempts at protecting me from his most dangerous urges - and he is protecting me, in the fiercest way - will drive me to beg him to subject me to something we both know I don't want.

I am his treasure.
He will protect his property.

But meanwhile, I am possessed by ever darker fantasies of protracted canings and gang rapes of my butt hole and a knife... its point... a delicate trail of beads of blood...

7 comments:

marianne said...

You're able to allow yourself to indulge in the darkest fantasies because you can trust him to know what your real limits are.

I kind of thought I was past my more submissive phase since I have been enjoying mostly vanilla sex lately, but recently I can't get my mind off of those kinds of darker fantasies, too.

Florida Dom said...

Do you tell him your darkest fantasies?

FD

oatmeal girl said...

marianne - He knows what I think my limits are. He also knows that I would yield to whatever he desired. Which leads to new questions.

FD - I haven't specifically told him that last one about the knife. It feels inadvisable at the moment, although he has said I shouldn't hold anything back - and mostly I don't. I don't have to tell him, though. He knows far more about my fantasies and desires than I do myself. And that is the scariest thing of all.

oatmeal girl said...

Update: I wrote him the knife fantasy, in detail, and then... something worse. He writes back and punishes me by not referring to it. He'll talk about it when he's ready.

nancy said...

Ah those dark and delicious fantasies!
Such a mean man your Master is.. and so wonderful too.

You will wait , he will go what he thinks best.

I am so happy for you!

Paul said...

OG, your Sadist really, really knows you.
He will give you his beauty when you need it most. Because he loves you.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

charlie said...

He is a sadist in every way. Presently he is tormenting you by not giving you what you need and want. Eventually he will turn the faucet on and the rush will be heaven for you. The outpouring of pain and torment might be even greater than what you have had in the past, but then you will know that you are his. Has he talked about marking you as his property at some point? My sub wears a couple of labia rings.