Casualties

He's wounded.
Angry.
He says I changed,
that everything changed,
that he could hear it in my written words Sunday morning
and then saw it in my eyes when he was here.
He says I turned away.

It's true I was thrown by things that happened at the bar on Saturday. I wrote that here myself. And its true that I was struggling - and unhappy - with what he wanted me to do. It's true I wasn't usually where I am when he was here. I couldn't get there. I could get to that place. I was struggling and couldn't get there, and yet he said he was proud of me for what I did do. And then I struggled and pushed myself to be here with the solider and make him feel good.

And I did.
I made him feel good.
And had a good time while still feeling all the time that I was doing what the sadist wanted me to.
Doing it because the sadist wanted me to.
I was so proud of myself.

But he was wounded.
Wounded sore.

All that vulnerability I knew was there had been pierced and he was wounded sore and now he thinks it's over and he won't believe me that it's not! Nothing I can say will get through and there's no persuading him.

If I didn't care about him, if I didn't love him, I'd just say fuck you, this isn't worth it, and walk away. Except I do. Stupidly, I do, although he seems to be doing his best to push me away. Which is always my biggest fear, has always been my biggest fear. That he will send me away.

If I'm honest he doesn't like what I say.
And if I'm not honest he doesn't like it either.
I can't win one way or another.

But I am being honest. He just can't believe me. Personally, I think he is feeling his vulnerability and is running scared.

I was so afraid of this. He says it has nothing to do with my fucking the solider on his orders, and certainly my feeling disconcerted started Saturday night. Though much of that did had to do with his insistence that I fuck the guy. Everything is all entwined with everything else. Still, I knew this would happen. Because it has happened before when I've been with someone else, no matter his insisting that it was fine with him and he was happy to know I was fulfilling my destiny to provide men with sexual pleasure and all that crap.

And on top of everything else, I get confused by what he says and sometimes think it's OK when it isn't. But tonight he was having a major hurt tantrum, so there was no denying he was ever so upset.

I can't reason with him.

I was supposed to go away this weekend, to visit my parents, but the weather might be bad - might - so they are wanting me to postpone the trip. I said I would decide Saturday morning, but maybe I'll just say the hell with it and tell them I'm staying down here. Then I'll have time to sort things out with the sadist one way or another. Or try to get stuff done. Between being out so late Saturday, and going to bed late last night and using the whole day yesterday to shop and cook and clean, I am so far behind in getting things done to make up for all the weeks I was sick that it might be a good idea to stay home in any case.

I don't know.

He almost always knows what is going on in my head.
Almost always.
Not this time.
He did see things when he was here.
That is true.
But he's wrong now.
He's wrong.
But he's working so hard to protect himself that he won't let himself believe any more.

There is nothing I can do.

It's all up to him.
And when he gets an idea in his head, he's unshakable.