Friday, February 25, 2011

Lost. So much is lost.

I can't wrote anything.
There's too much pain.
On both sides.
And the story -
it keeps changing.

I thought he had feelings for me,
but who knew they were so deep?
I thought he was vulnerable,
but who knew he was so fragile?

It feels as if I destroyed him at some very deep level. And I don't quite know how it happened. I certainly didn't mean to. My heart is ripped to shreds. To find out what what I suspected was true and then to lose it all at the same moment... it's unbearable.

Things looked better for a while.
This afternoon, things looked a little better.
At least he was ready to try,
oh so cautiously, to work our way back.
To something.
To take that chance.
But he's in such pain...
it started up again tonight.

It scares me.
Sometimes it sounds as if he's never felt this deeply before.
Or let himself feel this deeply.
He's had reasons to protect himself.
But oh God, when that armour is pierced...

So I don't know what to say.

But he wanted me to tell you something. To tell it to you and to myself. That he really doesn't care if I have sex with other people. In fact, he wants me to, for various reasons, including that the thought of it arouses him. That anyway I have my own life and he understands that and that yes, it would be a good idea for me to find someone to take care of me in my old age, which he won't be able to do. That all this isn't about that.

I am desperately trying to get him to believe my own avowals.
I will not doubt his statement and I urge you to take it at face value.
In fact, I do believe him.
I think there is something else that happens.

And really, what does it matter, who or what or why. I admit that I was angry at being pushed into something I didn't want to do. But if I was that angry and that disgusted as to want to end it all, I wouldn't have gone ahead and fucked the soldier. There would have been no point.

I love him very much.
I love him in his power
and I love him in his pain.
But he doesn't believe me.
He thinks everything that went before was a lie.
He is convinced of this.
And I fear he will never be able to get past this.

I love him and he is in pain.
He rails that I must be exultant over his pain.
He says you all must be sharing my triumph.

There is no triumph.
He is in pain
and I am in pain
and there is nothing I can do.
Either he will recover enough to deal with it rationally
or he won't.
He's not used to feeling.
He has always protected himself against feeling.

I'm afraid he will never recover.
What a horrible thing to have on my conscience,
whether or not we can ever be together again in any way.

I didn't mean to do it.
But I've done it.
I seem to have broken a heart that he always hid from me,
and I fear I've shredded his soul.

I love him and I've destroyed him and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.

7 comments:

a hidden slave said...

Hurting someone else is so painful, I hope your and his pain passes.
HSxx

His Girl said...

There isn't a single reader that is relishing in this kind of pain. I'm so sorry. I so hope this is recoverable for Him (and you).

Anonymous said...

Oatmeal Girl, you couldn't possibly have destroyed or shredded such a powerful Man's soul. Nor could you have devastated his emotional core. You say the Sadist protects Himself from feeling;instead of seeing your role in a negative light, try seeing yourself as a catalyst for His emotional healing. Emotional pain is, by far, more difficult to deal with than physical. We remember the emotional pain, it carves grooves into our cell memory. We have inborn capabilities, however,to forget the physical pain. Look even deeper into this situation and see that He is teaching you... your heart, mind and soul are expanding *because* of His natural authority. You are both gifting one another, you need only to find the secret at the center of this dance.

If it's any consolation, please tell your Sadist that His omnipotence grows exponentially in your readers eyes. He is Everything, all at once, and He will emerge in perfect balance, and you will have shared in such powerful growth. I believe you love Him.

nancy said...

I'm horrified by this turn of events.. though things like this happen far too often.

There is so much going on here that can only be guessed .. I think perhaps he will emerge stronger and you will as well.

Meanwhile.. my heart goes out to you.
Pain of this sort is impossible.

mamacrow said...

Oh Mr Sadist. I'd offer you hugs but I'm afraid that you'd think I was mocking you. (they're still here, anyhow, should you care to claim them)

OG, I'm also a little unsure why he's so convinced that everything has been a lie... After all, you went ahead and did what he wanted you to do, despite being unsure initially - you trusted him - the bonds he has used to tie yourself to him were too strong, in the end, for you to do anything else.

Is it that everytime he feels distance between you, he fears/feels that it is all over?

Oh Mr Sadist, but it is here that you spin your greatest art - you always reel her back in, and soon she is pouring out her beautiful, craft words to declare how much closer she is to you now.

Wish I could wave a magic wand. Thinking of you both xxx

MrJ said...

"I thought he had feelings for me,
but who knew they were so deep?
I thought he was vulnerable,
but who knew he was so fragile?

...

I love him very much.
I love him in his power
and I love him in his pain

...

There is no triumph.
He is in pain
and I am in pain
"

OG, Mr Sadist - could this really describe an ENDING?

sin said...

In the post on Feb 22 you say "Meanwhile, the fiend keeps trying to connect me up with people, without fully registering the possible complications". It seems to me that says it all. my Owner likes to "mess with it" as he calls it, but then sometimes, once it's messed it's hell to sort out again. Good luck.

And say what he will it sounds like jealousy/insecurity to me. It can strike without warning and without reason. It's about fear.