Lost. So much is lost.

I can't wrote anything.
There's too much pain.
On both sides.
And the story -
it keeps changing.

I thought he had feelings for me,
but who knew they were so deep?
I thought he was vulnerable,
but who knew he was so fragile?

It feels as if I destroyed him at some very deep level. And I don't quite know how it happened. I certainly didn't mean to. My heart is ripped to shreds. To find out what what I suspected was true and then to lose it all at the same moment... it's unbearable.

Things looked better for a while.
This afternoon, things looked a little better.
At least he was ready to try,
oh so cautiously, to work our way back.
To something.
To take that chance.
But he's in such pain...
it started up again tonight.

It scares me.
Sometimes it sounds as if he's never felt this deeply before.
Or let himself feel this deeply.
He's had reasons to protect himself.
But oh God, when that armour is pierced...

So I don't know what to say.

But he wanted me to tell you something. To tell it to you and to myself. That he really doesn't care if I have sex with other people. In fact, he wants me to, for various reasons, including that the thought of it arouses him. That anyway I have my own life and he understands that and that yes, it would be a good idea for me to find someone to take care of me in my old age, which he won't be able to do. That all this isn't about that.

I am desperately trying to get him to believe my own avowals.
I will not doubt his statement and I urge you to take it at face value.
In fact, I do believe him.
I think there is something else that happens.

And really, what does it matter, who or what or why. I admit that I was angry at being pushed into something I didn't want to do. But if I was that angry and that disgusted as to want to end it all, I wouldn't have gone ahead and fucked the soldier. There would have been no point.

I love him very much.
I love him in his power
and I love him in his pain.
But he doesn't believe me.
He thinks everything that went before was a lie.
He is convinced of this.
And I fear he will never be able to get past this.

I love him and he is in pain.
He rails that I must be exultant over his pain.
He says you all must be sharing my triumph.

There is no triumph.
He is in pain
and I am in pain
and there is nothing I can do.
Either he will recover enough to deal with it rationally
or he won't.
He's not used to feeling.
He has always protected himself against feeling.

I'm afraid he will never recover.
What a horrible thing to have on my conscience,
whether or not we can ever be together again in any way.

I didn't mean to do it.
But I've done it.
I seem to have broken a heart that he always hid from me,
and I fear I've shredded his soul.

I love him and I've destroyed him and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.