Servitude, obedience, and family values

My dad's surgery has been moved up.
It will take place early Tuesday morning.
I had planned to drive up on Monday.
That has been moved up, too.
My mom needs help and company.
So this morning she asked me to drive up Sunday.
Tomorrow.
Which I will do.

Serving the sadist has made me more cooperative.

I'll drive up and leave the house and leave the cats and leave next week's visit from the sadist and go be the dutiful daughter and hope for the best. Which I do. So while my atheist parents would be horrified at the thought, I figure that what they don't know can't hurt them and who knows, it might even help. Meaning that if you're inclined to say a mi sheberach for him or to say any other healing prayers or send general cosmic good wishes and all that, it might be a nice thing to do.

I don't know when I'll get back to this blog. I'll be accessing my e-mails through my Blackberry, but don't know how much I'll get to post. I'm trying to decide whether to bring the new vibrator. I might just pack it cause you never know. It's not as quiet as I would like, but my mom is pretty deaf now without her hearing aids. On the other hand, my sister will probably be there most of the time I'm there, and she would certainly hear and figure out what it is.

I'm really used to living alone. Even when I was married I was alone, whether because ex-hubby #2 always wanted to be wherever he was not or because our connection was minimal. He was much more interested in his fiddle and his math books than he was in me.

Obviously, I'm feeling kind of moody today.

Things with the sadist go up and down. He is being rather quiet and stern at the moment. I wrote him a couple of desperate poems today, which I will not share, and his only response, to the first one, was:

All I will tell you is to concentrate on your servitude and obedience.

Which is good advice, I suppose.
But still, it is hard.

He sees my trips as good for me, thinking they will be "clarifying" times for me. I think he has a fatalistic streak, and is convinced that on one of these trips I will realize that I can't or don't want to serve him as he requires. Which makes me very sad. I think of being without him and I feel lost. Very lost.

He is not an easy man to serve.
He is not an easy man to love.
There are challenges...

But oh...
the rewards!

So I will keep trying.
I will keep trying to be what he wants me to be.
And maybe,
one day,
he will once more believe that I do love him
and that he is the core of my life.