Saturday, April 17, 2010


I don't have a safeword.

The sadist said I can have one if I want, but there's no guarantee it would do anything. Now he says he wants me to tell him when it hurts. To say "You're hurting me!" To beg him to stop if I can't take any more. He probably won't listen, but he wants me to beg.

The truth is - he protects me.
He protects me from himself.
He can be extremely sadistic,
but he protects me from that.
Perhaps even more than he needs to.
I think he is afraid of losing me
if he loses control
and goes too far.

Earlier in our relationship, the first time he gave me a glimpse into what he could inflict and before he told me he wants to hear me beg him to stop, I almost did. I almost begged him to stop. He was torturing my nipples. Just with his fingers. He likes the direct infliction of pain. He likes to feel me squirming away from him. He was being very cruel - for me, at least - and I was moaning "please..."

"Please, what, my pet?"


God, it hurt,
but I wanted to give him what he wanted,
he wanted me to offer,
he wanted me to yield,
I don't know how I pulled it out of me...

"Please, Sir... please... hurt me more..."

My body tries to use a safe word. My body is terrified of his flogging my breasts. He orders me to keep my arms spread but on their own they move over my breasts to protect me. He says he'll have to tied me down, tight, in order to really hurt them. Meanwhile, each time my arm would cross, he would spread it back in position.

The time he shared me with another man, he had t.o.m sit behind me on the bed and hold my arms open while he flogged my breasts. But mainly he aimed the lashes above and below my nipples, so that I suffered fear more than physical pain.

This man who says there are no limits is trying his damnedest to keep limits in place to protect me. He seems to wield my safeword himself.

Originally left as an overlong comment on DL's toy's post safeword.


Paul said...

OG, disappointing, as I already read it there.
I think that you are blessed to have a Man who won't go as far as He would like to.
Love and warm hugs,

mamacrow said...

loved this.

this was never a comment you just dashed off?! dang girl, your structure is IMPECIBLE.

my fave bit - the punch line 'This man who says there are no limits is trying his damnedest to keep limits in place to protect me. He seems to wield my safeword himself.'

you truly are a stupendous writer, btw xx

oatmeal girl said...

I admit to pouting when I read your comment, Paul... but at least it was only disappointing because you had already seen it, not because you didn't like it. And yes. I am blessed. Of course, I can't be sure that the protective shield will always hold. But even the fact that he is trying means so much.

mamacrow - yup. Pretty much. I made some changes in the layout on the page when transferring it to the blog. But yup. This was a comment.

I'll tell you, though. My comments are never totally dashed off. I'm composing and editing in my head as I go. And I almost always proofread. I regret it when I don't. Think of it as respect for the blog's owner. And for myself.

As for that line you quoted - there is another side to it as well. When a dom(me) tries to maintain the limits, it is not just the sub who is being protected. If things really do go too far, the entire relationship can be jeopardized, along with the safety and mental health of the sub, not to mention the dom(me)'s self-image. I have heard from a number of doms who struggle with what they do and what they feel it says about who they are. Especially when they venture into extremes of sadism.

Anyone who cares about a relationship will do whatever possible to protect it.

Luna Mauvaise said...

I make every effort to keep to "please" and "thank you, Daddy".

Lovely piece, this.