Safeword

I don't have a safeword.

The sadist said I can have one if I want, but there's no guarantee it would do anything. Now he says he wants me to tell him when it hurts. To say "You're hurting me!" To beg him to stop if I can't take any more. He probably won't listen, but he wants me to beg.

The truth is - he protects me.
He protects me from himself.
He can be extremely sadistic,
but he protects me from that.
Perhaps even more than he needs to.
I think he is afraid of losing me
if he loses control
and goes too far.

Earlier in our relationship, the first time he gave me a glimpse into what he could inflict and before he told me he wants to hear me beg him to stop, I almost did. I almost begged him to stop. He was torturing my nipples. Just with his fingers. He likes the direct infliction of pain. He likes to feel me squirming away from him. He was being very cruel - for me, at least - and I was moaning "please..."

"Please, what, my pet?"

"Please..."

God, it hurt,
but I wanted to give him what he wanted,
he wanted me to offer,
he wanted me to yield,
I don't know how I pulled it out of me...

"Please, Sir... please... hurt me more..."

My body tries to use a safe word. My body is terrified of his flogging my breasts. He orders me to keep my arms spread but on their own they move over my breasts to protect me. He says he'll have to tied me down, tight, in order to really hurt them. Meanwhile, each time my arm would cross, he would spread it back in position.

The time he shared me with another man, he had t.o.m sit behind me on the bed and hold my arms open while he flogged my breasts. But mainly he aimed the lashes above and below my nipples, so that I suffered fear more than physical pain.

This man who says there are no limits is trying his damnedest to keep limits in place to protect me. He seems to wield my safeword himself.

Originally left as an overlong comment on DL's toy's post safeword.