Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Master's mea culpa

There are things I haven't said about our long night together. There are always things I leave out, of course. But this I left out deliberately. Because I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

I'm still not ready to talk about it.
But it comes down to this.
He is always fighting his desire to hurt me.
It's a constant struggle.

He didn't do very well on Saturday night.
He scared me.
And other things.

I've been struggling with it. And as the visible bruises have slowly healed, the inner ones have... well, not quite healed, but they were no longer hurting all the time.

And then tonight, he spoke directly to what happened for the first time. Because he's afraid for my safety.

We go through this periodically.
We're not just talking someone who has fun with Dick & Jane & spanking.
My Master is a full-fledged sadist.
He has a compulsion to cause pain.
And he has a special compulsion to hurt me.
Even as he wants to protect me from harm.

So every so often he advises me to get out while I can.

I'm a little more inclined this time to give his advice serious consideration. Except I just can't. I can't walk away. I think of safety measures we can initiate, circumstances under which we should not be together. I think of what we are like together, what we do for each other, what he has done for me.

I think of how empty my life would be without him.

Sure, he has manipulated me.
I don't need his admission to know that.
But I can also feel what is real.
So I can't give up trying.
Trying to find a way to continue.
To keep me from being seriously hurt.
To keep him from being too frustrated.
To keep us from giving up something very special.

He gave me a gift, though.
He gave me a gift tonight.
He admitted that things got out of control Saturday night.
And he took full responsibility.
Something he very rarely does.
In fact, I'm not sure he has ever said it was all his fault.

Of course, my Master is very good at what he does.
His mea culpa could just be another attempt at manipulation.
If so
[she sighs helplessly]
he succeeded once again.

PS - there's a bit of a lively discussion going on in the Comments. Do check it out - and join in!


Sophia Anne said...

I am new to reading your blog, so perhaps I have no business posting this comment when I don't know your full story, but what you've written about is something I've been meaning to discuss on my own blog, namely being with a safe and loving master.

Abuse is something many submissives are vulnerable to. Due to our desire to submit and masochistic fantasies, we are vulnerable to placing ourselves in the hands of a dom who could take advantage of that and cause serious harm. Safe and loving doms channel their sadism into ways that will not cause serious harm and in ways that are also beneficial to the sub, i.e. meeting her masochistic and emotional needs without going too far. In other words, they practice self-control. They may have dark fantasies but know in the real world they must use that self-control to keep from causing serious harm to their sub. In getting to know their sub they test pain thresholds to know what their subs can take and what they can't.

An example of this might be what Master and I have recently talked about. He discovered a fantasy I had not told him about, that of being bull-whipped. He is of course willing to do this to meet my needs, but both of us know that when I first experience the lash I might be changing my mind real quick! A safe and loving master would be able to gauge where I am in regard to my pain threshold and even if whipping me excites him he will have the self-control necessary to know when to stop.

A dom who does not have the ability to channel his sadistic desires in a safe way hasn't earned the right to call himself "Master". Being a master has great responsibilities.

I've heard too many stories of women getting hurt by placing themselves into the hands of dominant men in attempts to have their masochistic needs met. There are plenty of men more than happy to oblige and sadly to take it further.

Please be careful.

oatmeal girl said...

Sophia Anne - thanks so much for your comment and welcome. Your concern is well placed, and I am always happy to hear from new readers, although if you read back a way you will see that, because the sadist cares so much about me, it is he who worries most about my safety.

My Master tries very hard to control himself. He has initiated assorted safeguards and taken advantage of other outlets for his most extreme urges. At this point, as he has a few times before, HE is the one wondering if it is safe to continue.

If you want more history, you might skim through past posts starting late August 2008. Or read the posts tagged "sadism."

On a tangential topic, do be aware that not all D/s relationships are based on the same model - or on any model other than their own. While our relationship does in fact meet my needs, because the fiend reads me so clearly and uses what he knows to get what he wants, it is based solely around my Master's needs. I'm not going to get into definitions of sub vs. slave or that sort of thing, as there is no BDSM governing body with the authority to say who is what or any such thing.

Still, safety IS important, as is working within one's own tolerance. My masochistic fantasies far surpass my reality, although the fiend has slowly, carefully, and systematically been teaching me to take and want more. For HIS purposes, and so we can share that very intense and intimate communion of the sadist and his willing prey.

He has never claimed to be a safe dom. And loving? He has many subs and our relationships with him are, I gather, varied.

I DO need to be careful. I do periodically need to reconsider what I'm doing. But do know that it is because he values me, cares for me, and tries his damnedest to protect me, that the sadist struggles constantly against his urge to hurt me and sometimes warns me, for my own good, that he's not sure the chains HE wears will hold.

Thanks again for your valid concerns. Know that he shares them.


Sexperts said...

I'd just add that, is the "damage" to a level you can handle it and heal from quickly? My dom is not quite so sadistic as yours seems to be via your blog, but there are times he has genuinely scared me or hurt me. Lately, when he says he is afraid to lose control, I always say, "But I healed. It took a few hours or days, but the trust came back."

Depending on what you want, it might be okay to let him occasionally lose control if you can still get the trust back. I'm not saying every time, but on the rare occasions.

swan said...

I don't know any words that can give you answers or guidance. I can only offer you a deep understanding and perhaps companionship on this road you are walking.

The "edge" is, by definition, a precarious place -- one you choose, for now, to walk. You can continue to choose for yourself to remain balanced on that edge. I hope, too, that at some level known only to you (and perhaps to him), that you retain the capacity to see the way off the edge if that becomes important.

Encompassing both potentials is the most delicate power balance of all...

All the best,

Master Roger said...

This may or may not help but I suggest you improve your acting skills. Try reading "An Actor Prepares" by Stanislavsky.

You say that inflicting pain gives your Master pleasure, but what aspect is it that pleases him the most?

Is it doing actual physical damage to you or is it hearing you scream and cry and beg?

If it is the latter I believe you could save your skin and increase your Master's pleasure by becoming more verbal and expressive when taking his punishment.

Don't wait to be in extreme pain before you protest. Pretend to be in more pain than you actually are.
Yes, you are acting, but the purpose of your performance is to give your Master the experience he seeks without more harm than necessary to yourself.

Your role as a slave is to please your Master. Being a good actress is merely on more skill a good slave should have to facilitate pleasing her Master.

If, on the other hand your Master needs to draw blood or cause real injury to get satisfaction then you need to ask yourself whether this is giving you what YOU need. If not then realize that it will only get worse over time. You may not be the slave he needs and he certainly isn't the Master you need if that's the case.

I do hope, though, that you can give him what he wants through acting rather than really suffering.

Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

What a fsscinating discussion! It seems to echo several we have read here before. You and the fiend have run into similar circumstances, and, despite all the inherent difficulties, negotiated the hazardous shoals successfully. I expect you will again, and it seems as if both of you have the same expectation, as well.

In fact, I find the fiend's mea culpa very touching. I have the sense that he is acknowledging having disappointed you. That is very human, and very humane, particularly since the entire relationship is, as you write in your response to a comment, "based solely around my Master's needs," -a fact sometimes not entirely apparent to your readers.

In any case, as swan writes, this is indeed a delicate power balance, and as you have noted, however demanding it is, it is one that yields that delicious predator/prey intimacy.

Your fiend is experienced, and clever, and has repeatedly demonstrated both his concern for your well-being and his willingness to rework his own plans for the well-being of the relationship. I think it's remarkable that he has taken responsibility, and I feel more warmth for him that I usually do.

Having read with great care all that you have posted on the blog, and followed with interest all the ups and downs of this evolving connection, I do have to take issue with one of the comments, however. Master Roger suggests feigning pain, but all that I understand of the fiend, all that is written about him here, screams that he would have an unholy fit if he thought you were FAKING shit! And despite the fact that I'm a pain slut, I wouldn't want to be around the sadist when he was having a fit!

Anyway, really interesting. Thank you - jcn

mamacrow said...

i agree with everything jcn says - especially regarding acting or faking.

I see the point Master Roger is making, but from all I know about dear Mr Sadist Fiend - admitedly it is little, but your writing lives so provocatively that I feel I might possibly recognise him if I came across him brooding in a bar or sculking in an alley - what he is constantly seeking is, above all, an authentic response.

Enthusiasm in the name of pleasing him, possibly fine. Acting in order to reproduce a reaction you are not actually having, or not actually having yet? I really don't think so. and I don't think I'd want to be there for his reaction either!

And I'm impressed by his mea culpa too. It takes a 'real man' and a lot of courage to do that. even if it IS partly a manipulation :)

hugs, to you both (if it's not disrespectful to offer those to Mr Fiend)

agog said...

The best manipulation uses the truth, in my opinion. Just because he was manipulating you doesn't mean he didn't mean everything he said. And as long as he learns from what happened, and you are willing to accept him and trust him to continue, hopefully you two will be able to work out what works for both of you.
Master is also a Sadist, but His comes out in different ways, and we've had to have a few very serious talks to find the levels that meet our needs without taking things into actual "damage". It has gone too far at times, but I think that sometimes it takes that for you to learn.
Good luck.