Thursday, June 30, 2011

Relationships are like cocksucking - Part 1 of 2

Really!
I'm not trying to be funny.
Well, OK.
I am trying to be funny.
But not merely funny.

A relationship is like sucking cock.
No one size fits all,
be it your parents' relationship
or BDSM
or teenagers just finding their way.
We can read books,
talk to our friends,
pore over advice columns,
but in the end
all we have
is us.

All you have is that cock in your mouth which could be much too long or unusually short or so fat you could choke on it or so thin it could wriggle down your throat like a worm. You can study all the basic techniques but in the end it's what he likes combined with what you can do and the fantasies you can trigger and your own sparks of creativity.

My Master trained me very carefully before he allowed me to start sucking. Clear descriptions of what he likes, suggested exercises to practice by myself, very direct and directive feedback on my performance - and for his pains, he has the services of one of the best damn cocksuckers in the world.

For him.
And his other subs can probably say pretty much the same thing.

But only for him.

I was good before we met. Before the training started. I could give you testimonials. Now I'm even better. But I would never claim that any other cock would experience the same level of satisfaction as his does. Especially not the first time round. When he brings his friends to fuck me, to use me, which is definitely under discussion, I will work very hard to please them as much as I please him. But I'll have to do a lot of experimenting. Improvising. Reading the signs. Listening to their grunts.

Learning to suck cock is not like studying an arithmetic textbook.
There is no one right answer
and there is no one right way to get there.
Same thing with relationships.
All relationships.

Which brings us back to BDSM.
And what my long-time readers are probably sick of hearing me say.
D/s
M/s
S & M

It's pure BS if you think you can say
a Master is like this,
a sub must do that,
a slave is one who,
a Dom has to be.

A D/s relationship (for example) is still just a relationship.
What matters is how the parties see it.
What matters is what works for you.

There.
Got that out of the way.

There were some lengthy comments in response to yesterday's post: My Master's mea culpa. I really like lengthy comments. I like the thought that goes into them, and I like that people care enough to take the time to write that much. I'm very grateful for everything that was said.

But I also know that most people don't read the comments. And I only ended up replying to the first one. So 1) if you follow the link from the title in the previous paragraph, you'll get the post with all the comments in full; and 2) here are excerpts from each one, with some measure of response from me. I do hope that the conversation continues! I don't claim to be perfect. I don't claim to know all. I certainly don't claim to know what's right for the rest of you. But I have been serving the sadist for just 2 months shy of 3 years, and while obviously neither of us has all the answers I do think I know a whole lot about who and what we are.

Still, I can always use some help. And writing and discussing here, as well as some private conversations, have been a great help in getting me through the last few days back to feeling grounded again. And I do feel grounded again. I see it in perspective. I am not walking away. What we have is too good, and we have worked too hard for it. We'll get through this and keep on working to build on what we have.

And now, the comments.

Sophia Anne
is a sub and a relative newcomer to this space. This was her first comment, and I really appreciate her speaking up. She started off with "perhaps I have no business posting this comment when I don't know your full story." Everyone is free to comment, but it's true that some sorts of comments are more appropriate when you know more about the people involved. She warned me abut the danger of abuse, which is a good and fair warning. What I was aware of at the time was exactly that. It didn't feel like sadistic behaviour that was too much for me to deal with. It felt like irrational, drunken abuse. And that scared me. But note that this was the first time in nearly 3 years that I have felt like that.

She then went on:
Safe and loving doms channel their sadism into ways that will not cause serious harm and in ways that are also beneficial to the sub, i.e. meeting her masochistic and emotional needs without going too far. In other words, they practice self-control.
As I said in my direct reply, the sadist, my sadist, has never claimed to be safe. In fact, he has warned me again and again that he is not safe. This has always been a very serious warning, and is testament to the way he treasures me. [I'm deliberately not using the word "loving." Not every dom(me) loves his or her sub, but they can still be caring and responsible.] The fiend is not just sadistic. He is a sadist. A real one. I do know this. He has never claimed otherwise. He cannot always completely control himself but continues to work very hard to protect me. You cannot imagine what this entails. It's far more serious than my swearing off ice cream because I'm on the edge of being diabetic. And damn, it's summer and I really want some ice cream!

Also, while he does meet my needs far more than any other, safer person I've ever been involved with, including my 2 ex-husbands even when things were good [were things ever really good with #2?], the ultimate focus of the relationship is to serve his needs. Period. Luckily for me, building up my self-respect and self-image, teaching me that I am beautiful, and encouraging my creativity all serve his own needs. I have grown and healed in very real ways in his ownership. I am very, very fortunate. These were my real needs. To be given structure. To be directed. To be appreciated. I am not in fact a masochist, although he has been teaching me about pain, and the beautiful intimacy that comes from the shared experience of causing pain and suffering it.

I am not trying to "have my masochistic needs met." If that's all I wanted then yes, there are plenty of people who would oblige me. Who would "play with me." But we do not play. This is not a game. It is a serious, exquisite connection with a man who has been training and guiding and using submissives and slaves for decades. Longer than some of my readers have been alive. It does feel as if your comment was meant largely as a general statement. But it's a good idea to do a little research into a specific circumstance before implying that someone has not earned the right to call himself Master. The ones I really worry about are the ones who demand you call them that right away, long before the relationship warrants it. I also worry about one-size-fits-all doms, who expect every "sub" and "slave" to serve them in the same way, who have the same expectations of each person in their care, without bothering to learn what it is they have acquired and then respond to the unique capabilities and characteristics of their property. You shouldn't try to make a Mini Cooper perform like a Jaguar.

But even the best driver occasionally goes too fast.
And cracks up the car.
Even a treasured car.
So you check yourself and the vehicle for damages,
berate yourself,
patch both of you up,
and learn from your mistakes.

I'm going to jump over the next couple of readers and slip ahead to Master Roger. He is Sophia Anne's master and can be found writing on the same blog.

He wrote:
This may or may not help but I suggest you improve your acting skills. Try reading "An Actor Prepares" by Stanislavsky.

You say that inflicting pain gives your Master pleasure, but what aspect is it that pleases him the most?

Is it doing actual physical damage to you or is it hearing you scream and cry and beg?

If it is the latter I believe you could save your skin and increase your Master's pleasure by becoming more verbal and expressive when taking his punishment.

Don't wait to be in extreme pain before you protest. Pretend to be in more pain than you actually are.
Yes, you are acting, but the purpose of your performance is to give your Master the experience he seeks without more harm than necessary to yourself.
Actually, having been trained in the theatre, I have read Stanislavsky and studied his techniques. As far back as high school, which was a long time ago.

As for the suggestion that I fake my suffering, I'll let reader jcn have the first word, as she put it so eloquently:
Master Roger suggests feigning pain, but all that I understand of the fiend, all that is written about him here, screams that he would have an unholy fit if he thought you were FAKING shit! And despite the fact that I'm a pain slut, I wouldn't want to be around the sadist when he was having a fit!
My Master always knows when I am lying.
Or not even full out lying.
I don't lie.
But fooling myself.
Thinking I understand something, or feel it, when I don't yet.
He is a true Master of what he does.
He has an uncanny ability to read people.
So he would know if I were acting.
And there's no way he would accept it.

However, Master Roger is right about his wanting to know that he is hurting me. But he wants the truth of it. Because - again - we're not playing. It's not just ooh, lets have some hot S&M sex and I'll whack at your butt and it'll make me hard and I'll cum with a bang.

It's the intimacy of it.
What flows between the sadist and his victim.
And sometimes, all it takes is the smallest thing.
He takes my nipple between two fingers
as I give him my eyes
and he sees what happens in those eyes
as he squeezes
just enough
to cause the merest amount of pain.
It doesn't take much with me.
I'm not a masochist.
And he sees the change in my eyes.
Something flows between our eyes.
We both open
and I give him everything and more
and he takes everything and more
but oh...
I get so much, too.

Never has a cock fucking a pussy achieved that level of intimacy.
Never.

You can't get that if you're acting.

This is way too long for one post, so I will finish tomorrow. And I do owe you guys a sex toy review! But here is one more quote from Master Roger:
Your role as a slave is to please your Master. Being a good actress is merely on [sic] more skill a good slave should have to facilitate pleasing her Master.
This gets back to my opening statement and my constant insistence that there is no official policy as to what defines any sort of BDSM - or any - relationship. No one has the authority to say this is what a sub or slave is or is supposed to do.

My role as a slave is what my Master says it is.
The skills *I* need as his slave are what he demands of me.
It's a question of who I am,
what my special talents are,
what desires I raise in him,
and what is between us.
What our unique relationship is.

I would be out of his life pretty fast if he thought I was acting.
Our relationship is based on honesty.

I'm sorry if it sounded as if I was picking on either of you, but the areas you both hit are things I feel pretty fiercely about. For my relationship. With my Master. On top of my general aversion to the idea of BDSM having set rules and definitions. As I said to Sophia Anne, there is no kinky Bureau of Standards to say how we may use certain terms and how we must conduct our relationships.

All relationships are hard.
Everyone fucks up sooner or later.

The emotional pain I suffered at the hands of my second husband without his ever striking me was far worse, and far more destructive, than anything my truly loved Master has ever done to me. And ex-hubby #2 never apologized. He didn't care at all. He barely noticed me.

Who was the real self-centered sadist?

I'll address the rest of the comments tomorrow - and please add new ones!

Meanwhile, please forgive this last bit of self-indulgence.
Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

6 comments:

greengirl said...

Absolutely - all the way around.

I've been struck lately with the need to keep much more in mind that it is about what he wants - how he wants it - and with all the nuance and flavor and individuality that he and the combination of the two of us entail. Also - i can't imagine how faking anything might fit into it - his goal has been discovery and learning about me - he pushes me to give him deeper and deeper honesty.

Sophia Anne said...

We didn't mean to touch a sore spot. I was writing my comment purely from my fear of seeing someone (you) get hurt due to my knowing of some women who have gotten seriously hurt by doms who lost control. Some of these incidences have turned women completely away from BDSM.

If your relationship works for you, I'm happy for you. I know we all have different needs. Some women want harsh, cruel and unloving masters and others need nurturing loving masters. In fact, when I was very young and fantasing about slavery, the man I conjured up in my head was harsh and unloving.

I just started reading your blog and already I've been made to feel bad about my first comment. :( I hadn't realized that Master and I would be put out in the open like that, but then we are new to blogging so maybe that's normal.

Humans love to talk and write about their feelings. We just love communication That's what I did. Again, I'm sorry if I touched a sore spot and I wish you and your Master the best of luck.

swan said...

These two comments, taken together, provide a very good illustration of one of the difficulties with this medium as a communication tool. It lacks the immediate and interactive back and forth of conversation -- or even chat, and so we react to what we read and again and again and again. There is no smooth way for us to interpret meaning and nuance and so we can "miss" one another in the exchange. Too, I think that the power of the written word can be compelling enough to create very visceral responses, and then we write (about deeply sensitive and intimate things) based partly on what we have read, but probably even more on how it makes us feel.

Sophia Anne, I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't believe that your comment "hurt" anyone, nor do I think the intent was to "put you out" in some negative way. You entered into the conversation, and this is the way we talk with one another. It is just polite, when addressing someone else, to use their name, and respond to their ideas -- and from my perspective, that's what happened here. There is a "blog conversation" trick that really boils down to an up front recognition that my experience is mine; that what works for me may not work for anyone else; that what I offer for others' consideration should never be presented as prescriptive; and that, once I've offered whatever wisdom I have at hand, it is out of my control -- a gift that has been given.
I've found, along the way, that it helps if I assume that most others (excluding the obviously nasty critter) are people of good intent, doing the best they can. In general, if I somehow get my fur rubbed backwards by something a commenter says, I probably need to do like Callie (the house cat) and turn myself around.

swan

Anonymous said...

Oh, wow! This is such an intense -(oh! THAT word again!) - dialogue. Sophia Anne, I don't think you DID touch a sore spot. I think you expressed concerns that are perfectly natural, and got one hell of a discussion going. I, for one, am grateful. Every time a real discussion gets going, I find that I use the opportunity to think through my own feelings about whatever is being thrown around, and it is highly educational. (And, parenthetically, I'm with you on the bullwhip fantasy. We did find a short, 7-foot bullwhip at a feed store, for a very reasonable cost. The reduced length makes use a bit easier in the small space we have available. Good luck!) In any case, I am sorry if anything I said offended you, or your master.

OG - "All relationships are hard.
Everyone fucks up sooner or later."
This should be burned or carved into those little pieces of wood they sell at County Fairs. And also your comment about your role, as a slave, (or sub, redheaded cocksucker, whatever), being what your Master says it is. My situation is so damned atypical that I have to perpetually remind myself of this simple reality. So, thank you, too.

I hope this conversation continues. I LOVE these, and thank all participants. Apropos of which, greengirl, after 40 plus years, I, too, have been "struck lately with the need to keep much more in mind that it is about what he wants - how he wants it". Yes. Like a zen meditation... - jcn

mamacrow said...

Dear Sophia Anne (and what a gorgeous name! Love it) thank you so much for starting such a rich and enjoyable discussion - lots of long yummy comments, I'm loving it!

I don't think you touched a sort spot, and I'm so sorry you feel a bit bad about it - I'm sure that was no one's intention - so you're a new reader and hadn't yet read lots about OG and her relationship with Mr Sadist Fiend - so what!

Your comment was from the heart, and has sparked a great discussion and some wonderful Posts from OG - bravo, and thank you :)

Sophia Anne said...

I'm glad for the comments. Thanks to oatmeal girl and all that have commented here. The past few days I had been worried that I had offended. I never like to offend anyone!

Also, I like what swan said regarding communicating over the Internet. Coincidentally that very day I had read an article in Psychology Today magazine that discussed the subject. It is hard to communicate online sometimes, due to missing non-verbal cues and all that, and yet there are also good things about it. I feel - for me at least - that communicating online is easier than face-to-face, and I can certainly be more verbose online than offline. :)

A few days ago Master had read my comment and he thought I had misinterpreted the blog posting as a criticism of me. He recommended I reread the article and I have, and he is right. I must have been overly sensitive at the time and hence prone to take it personally. Sorry about that! (He also wasn't thrilled that I spoke for him when I used the "we" word, but he kindly and lovingly asked that I not do it anymore.)

The only time my inner tiger comes out is when someone is getting hurt or when I imagine they may be getting hurt. I guess it's like a fight-or-flight response. I put thinking on pause and just react. Maybe I think I'm Superwoman, or something. :) People who know me personally would never imagine I had such an inner tiger!

Anyway, I am trying to learn about all the different flavors of BDSM relationships and to understand them. There are as many flavors as there are participants. :)