Tuesday is the day my Master comes for lunch.
And other things.
Tuesday was the morning I woke up feeling...
Actually, I woke up feeling fine. Or so I thought. And then I knelt at the foot of the bed to do my morning ritual and... something felt off. I wasn't really there. I wasn't feeling it. And I was terrified that he would come and look in my eyes and not see what he expected to see and think I had been faking it and oh no, there we'd be again!!!
So I e-mailed him.
I emailed him
and told him
and said it just felt temporary
and at the same time he was emailing me
discussing some cocksucking pointers
that he'd wanted me to review
and which I had.
I had studied very hard.
And he said,
without having seen my message,
that maybe we'd do a little training
and then I started to cry,
because I realized that's just what I needed.
And then he read my own message,
and he knew what was needed,
including the training,
and flogging my tits
and flogging my pussy
while I held on tight to the edges of the futon
and did NOT protect myself.
And then he turned me over
and flogged my buttocks
and spanked me with the spoon
and beat me with the strip of wood he uses as a cane
and it hurt
and it hurt
but not more than I could take
because he knew what I needed
and knew how much pain was the right amount of pain
and I held tight to the edges of the futon
and cried out
as I knelt before him
I sobbed and sobbed
and he held me to him
and told me to let it out
and everything was ok
and everything will be ok
and he knew
he always knows
and then he does
exactly what was needed.
He says he knows this slavery thing will be hard for me. That there are things I'll struggle with. Things that will be hard for me. Which I know is true because while on the one hand we both know inside us what it means to us for me to be his slave, on the other hand I don't really know what that will mean for me as we continue from here. And while I know internally that yes, of course that is what I am because haven't I truly ceded my life to him - increasingly made everything else secondary to him because nothing means more and no one understands me better and makes me feel so safe even though I know he is dangerous and damn. I really do fall into these run-on sentences when I get really intense, don't I...
So here's the thing.
It makes me uncomfortable.
Just the word.
And I'm not sure why. Because it's not the concept that I belong to him that's the problem. I just do. I do. I do belong to him. Not because of any formality but because I do. Because of what's between us. Because of who we each are and what we each are to each other and give each other and do for each other and mean to each other, and this connection...
I'm no longer worried.
I know we are what and who we are.
I know he will lead me to see and to understand
and that my life will continue to be richer
because I have given it to him.