Doubts

kitten sighs
kitten remembers
kitten wonders
was any of it real?
was it ever more than distraction?
did it only delay his progress?
did it add nothing to his life?
was he ever honest?

a few times, perhaps.

a few extracted admissions

honesty when he saw how much evasion hurt. honesty about a problem that could have been dealt with, like so many of his problems could have been dealt with, if only he'd gone to see a goddamn doctor!

but maybe he didn't really want that level of intimacy. maybe it was all just another sign of his cowardice. His word, that. Cowardice. Not a good character trait in a man who plays at being a Dom.

And last year, this time last year, when he said i shouldn't call him during my week away - he said don't call me, kitten, i want you to concentrate on having fun playing with your friends... and it was too hard for me, too hard to go from wake-up calls and good-night calls and e-mails back and forth and 3 whole days together... it wasn't really about me, was it? because he was so wrong about what i needed, and he usually wasn't wrong.

But it wasn't about me. It was about him. Which was fair, of course. No relationship should ever be about only one person's needs.

It was about him. Which was OK. it was about him. HE needed the break. He needed to go back to being alone. He needed to go back to his protected life, to escape from all the intimacy, if it really is intimacy when you're prone to pretend.

He could have said that, you know. He could have said that and I would have responded quite differently. I wouldn't have been happy but I would have said OK, you need this, rather than crying NO, NO, you're all wrong. I DON'T need this. I need YOU!!

Did you not have faith in me? Did you not have faith in yourself, that someone could love you, could want you, if you revealed all your truths?

i thought there was no anger.
i thought there was just grief.
i thought there was just loss
but maybe some anger is allowed.
just a little...
as seasoning for the tears...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
written yesterday,
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
at lunch,
the way i used to write down my thoughts of lust and submission when he tried (and ultimately failed) to keep me from e-mailing him from work.