I know you are all trying to be supportive.
I know you all are trying to be protective.
And certainly I need that, and the comfort, too.
But please don't be so hard on him. He's not a bad man. He is sweet and caring and protective and loving in his way. He has his weaknesses. He has his faults. But then so do I. I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, and my mood swings, like his, are no joy to deal with. He was pretty angelic about them for a long time.
He was perhaps right all along in saying he shouldn't get involved with anyone until the dissertation was finished, but somehow the universe brought us together. And perhaps, too, he needed it, the connection, much as he tried to escape it.
It's true that I am grieving. I cried every day while I was away, and other losses make me cry for him more. I miss him and love him and were he to reach out a hand in friendship I would take it in mine.
Many many relationships, even those of long standing, can't survive the stresses of grad school. I had hoped I could finally get it right, that I could be what he needed, that I could be the one he could really love. But there was too much against us, I suppose: distance and dissertation and emotional problems on both sides.
Nothing is ever one person's fault.
And he gave me so much... so very very much... he couldn't accept that, he couldn't believe that, he kept thanking ex-hubby #2 for leaving me with lowered expectations. But he is a lovely man, a sweet and gentle and sadistic man who made me very very happy.
And I only hope that one day he can accept and believe that what I say is true.
I love you, John. Whatever else happens, whatever choices we each make, please know, please believe, please accept that I loved you and love you now and that you DID earn that love.