From me to you

I had this whole post written in my head... about how you were up at 5 in the morning, reading our blog, the posts labeled "dissertation," how I was so happy to see you in the stats, it's for a glimpse of you that I comb through them on and off all day, even though seeing you there meant the persistent demon of insomnia had struck again.

I had it all in my head, nicely composed - and then when I started writing it down, it just felt false and forced. So I'm just going to say all this stuff and hope for the best. Because while I know other people are reading it, it's really just for you.

I wanted to tell you how much better I'm doing, that the lithium seems to be having an effect now that I raised the dosage, I'm still taking ever so little but I feel much more stable. I'm safer to be around now.

I wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you couldn't sleep this morning, I wanted to say that I hope you're making progress - not for me, this isn't about me, don't worry about disappointing me if it's not coming along, don't project that on me. I just want you to be happy, to feel good about yourself, one way or another.

Of course, maybe it's coming along... slowly, a page here and there, but coming, in which case I'll be so very happy, because you'll feel good when you finally finish this Quest. But if not, I won't think any less of you. I won't reject you, as I didn't reject you for other things. Still, if you are struggling, I do wish you would get some help. It just might make a difference.

You have ADD, I'm pretty sure of that, it's just like mine. Last week I had to reduce the dosage on my ADD meds to get my blood pressure down, and for days I couldn't concentrate, couldn't hold my mind to a task, nothing. And then I brought the dosage back up and I'm starting to be able to work again.

So if you're doing well, just ignore all this. But if you're not, please consider calling the health center. They're used to struggling grad students.

And know this, just in case... this isn't a request, this isn't pressure, this isn't about me, this is something to write down and file away... should you decide you can't go through it alone any more, I do still check the Gmail account for which only you have the address. And my phone is on all the time. Even in the middle of the night. Because that glow persists right behind my heart, I've gotten through the worst period and now I'm solid and safe and I see you in my stats - OUR stats - and I'm folded in warmth as fluffy and gentle as kitten hair. Even though I'm sorry that you're up at 5 o'clock in the morning.

So that's all. No dramatics. No tears. No sneaky seductive comments about slaves and chains and drinking out of bowls on the floor. (Sorry, I guess that was in fact a little sneaky...) But really. This is real world relationship stuff. And I just hope you can believe me when I still insist that I think you're worth it. Dissertation or no, you have made me very happy, and you need to accept the credit for that.

I know I should sign this with my real name. But I can't. When I'm with you, only one name feels right. You made it my name, and changed my identity forever.

Love,
kitten