Friday, August 22, 2008

Kitten sticks her nose out

Yesterday's post was about more than cats.

And today this is very hard to write. My eyes, as so often these days, are flooding with the tears that will stain my glasses, and sobs are roiling around inside my throat.

Wednesday night I went on a date. Just for dinner, followed by some very enticing appetizers in the parking lot.

Saturday evening, I embark on a 24-hour adventure.

I've been writing this post in my head for a while and now I can say none of it. It's too painful. I am happy about what is to come. It is the right thing for now, especially as it is time- and emotion-delimited due to assorted practicalities as well as honest assessments of who we are and what we need. Me, I need to feel desired. I need to be kissed, and held, and fucked. I need to be dominated and trained and owned, even if only for a few months. I need to explore what the philosopher and I really only just embarked on, and see how much of my attraction to it all, the fulfillment I felt, came from the bonds that seemed to exist between me and the man I thought owned and loved me, and how much is a deep part of my own soul that is happy to be free in submission and perhaps even in a form of slavery. (Note that I say "a form of slavery" - I'm too quirky and independent to swallow the concept as a whole giant hunk the way some people view it.)

I've lost my train of thought... Ketzel was crawling all over me and potentially all over the laptop...

I have happy feelings about the man who will be my temporary Master. He is funny and smart and intelligent and constantly surprising me. I also know that I am still filled with feelings for the philosopher, and I know that he kept telling me I needed to find someone else, although I didn't WANT to find someone else... I know I shouldn't feel unfaithful, but somehow as I write this it feels like that's what I am, that I should have waited the required year of mourning... I don't want him to think that I don't still love him and miss him even if he doesn't want me to still love him and miss him.

But I do
love him
miss him.

And yet.
I will have my adventure.
And we'll see what those 24 hours do to me
and how many more little adventures there will be
before my new Master leaves town.

And I hope the philosopher will forgive me.


Paul said...

Oatmeal Girl, have a wonderful adventure, you need some joy in your life.
Warm hugs,

mamacrow said...

good luck!

k said...

I hope I'll be ready for an adventure some day

oatmeal girl said...

thank you all.

but i guess i wasn't really ready after all.