Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So much to say...

I've been writing a lot these days. But not for here. Sometimes three poems in the space of as many hours, interspersed with intense messages of a poetic flavor.

You've seen a few of the poems. But most of them feel too private. I write them for the man whose role I can't define with a single word, the man whose role is especially indefinable within the usual constructs of BDSM. I write for him, I write about him, I write because of him. He inspires me and pushes me. He prods and punishes and guides and instructs. He tells me what I've done and what he likes and what he wants, and when I look at poems from before he lured me into his dark den I can see ever so clearly how much I've grown.

There is so much I could say here, but it's late and I'm sleepy and I have a long drive on Thursday. There is so much to say but it is very intense, and I think I've been holding back because I've already overdosed on intensity lately.

The man who owns me but isn't my master likes lists, so here is a short list of things I could tell you about:
  • a forced viewing of Phantom of the Opera (the musical) - I hated it when it first came out but sobbed through much of it this time. Think of the parallels with my current situation. Picture me bursting into tears when Raul first appears, his flowing reddish hair taking me by surprise.
  • my orgasms have changed. I still cry, but...
  • I disappeared for a few moments when the fiend was torturing my nipples - my first time.
I'm floating away now - not into subspace but into sleep... still I will take the time to mention this... the philosopher seems to be floating away as well. It's probably just because it's November. I was like that from a few days after Election Day until... well, until this weekend, actually. Until Sunday when I finally emerged from subspace (more or less) after my Saturday morning lesson. But he seems to have detached, which is hard after our having spent so many hours talking on Election Day. He reads this blog but he's quiet. He reads about S-- being here and my recent punishment, and the intense things I say about my torturing teacher, and I worry he thinks that I'm floating away and I panic and write him and probably make him want to hide somewhere I can't find him so he can get some peace from my emotional fits.

I write to reassure him but I'm also trying to reassure myself.

I don't know what's real any more. I don't know what I feel any more. Perhaps I'm moving towards truly letting go, which would be the wisest thing all around. I act as if I love him and say I have a broken heart but maybe it's just a habit. Maybe I miss being in love as much as I miss him.

I'm falling asleep.
I'm not sure what I've written.
I'll probably regret it in the morning.

But the holidays are always a time for looking back at holidays past. And last Thanksgiving I was giving joyous secret thanks for the sweet, smart, sadistic man who filled my thoughts and ate up the minutes on my cell phone.

I miss him, damn it.

I'm not very good at letting go.


mamacrow said...

'Maybe I miss being in love as much as I miss him.'

yes of course. of course you do. that's the whole point. and the more in love you were, the more awful it is to cope with a break up, because not only do you miss them even more, but you miss the whole being in love thing even more.

if that makes sense.


Paul said...

O.G it really doesn't matter what you call your daemon muse, just look how he inspires you.
You were somewhat ambivalent about your philosopher.
Enjoy Thanksgiving you're allowed.
Warm hugs,

oatmeal girl said...

Oh yes, mamacrow, you make absolute sense. I do know what you mean. and looking at it that way, no wonder it hurts so much, it's a double loss. And to that you can add the loss of fantasies of what I wanted it to be, what I pretended to myself it was, and how I pretended it could turn out.

I'm probably as much at fault for my pain as he is.

you're right, Paul. He really does inspire me. He gives me so much. He opens doors with just a few words. I do have a lot to be thankful for. As for the philosopher, yes, there was ambivalence in what I said. My feelings bounce all over the place. They bounce and they hit the wall and at each point of impact it hurts.