Sunday, April 5, 2009

Coming up empty

There have been so many things rolling around my head this weekend.
Images.
Thoughts.
Grief.
Tears.

A short, intense conversation with the sadist yesterday following --

no.
i don't feel like writing about it.
even though it was lovely.
even though he ordered me to masturbate.
even though he allowed me to cum
even though i floated through the rest of the day feeling
very owned
and very small
and very happy
and very chained.

perhaps you have noticed that i've been writing pretty regularly lately after a somewhat dry spell. he hasn't been making him write for him much. my training has focused on more practical aspects oriented towards my physical service for him. but today i was given a writing assignment, which oftentimes siphons off my creative juices.

besides, i've been feeling weepy today. weepy and sad and grieving on a beautiful spring day that i would have loved to have shared with the philosopher. even without being together, we could have shared it, with e-mails, with a phone call.

i have to give up.
but it takes time.

i broke down today.
i e-mailed him.
i sent him a link to a great article in today's Sunday New York Times about how a blogger is getting married to one of her regular commenters. See? It pays to leave comments!

Speaking of which, I noticed today a new reader from Louisiana, who spent a lot of time here. I'm dying to know who you are, so do please say hello, either publicly here or with a private e-mail (the link is on the profile page).

anyway, i e-mailed the philosopher and i haven't heard back and maybe that will finally cure me of e-mailing him. of course, he might have been off-line all day, and sometimes he doesn't check e-mail over the weekend. but i need to just let go.

just
let
go.

except you all know that it isn't that easy...

ah well.

this post seems pointless, except to say that i'm here and still struggling, except for when i'm focused on my demon muse, and then i'm floaty and happy.

hmm... if you were a logician, what would you conclude?

6 comments:

persephone said...

just wanted to let you know that i'm still here reading and thinking of you.

oatmeal girl said...

thanks, meg. sometimes a little wave is just what i need.

baby girl said...

*waves and blows a kiss*

sub essence said...

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. To me, letting go is one of the hardest things to do. Grieving a loss is so personal and everyone deals with it differently.

Sending you warm, positive thoughts and may you find peace during this difficult time.

essence

mamacrow said...

oh babe (((HUGS))) how to let go? Oh God if only there was a full proof method to follow the books would sell millions.

I don't know.

I don't suppose you ever do really, you just learn to live with it, you know, it (the connection) minimises... from a great anchour chain to a tiny thread...

cutesy pah said...

hugs to you, honey.