Thursday, April 16, 2009

Perhaps the philosopher was right

He worried about my job.
He worried about the stress.
I'd cry over the phone calls,
over their stress,
over their need,
over their grief and their loss.
And he'd think it was too much.
He wanted to protect me.
This man who liked to cane me
wanted to shield me from pain.

I'm not trained for this.
I'm not a therapist,
They know where to put it,
they learn how to let it go.
I think I store it up -
all the grief from all the calls,
all the anger, stress, and loss.
It sits there in my bowels,
undigested sorrow, needing
only one more crisis
to send it boiling up my throat and
spilling out in tears and need.

Perhaps it is too much for me.
Perhaps it makes me need too much,
perhaps I live too close to crying,
perhaps I give all that I've got
and need support he couldn't give
to give me the strength
to do it again.

We needed too much.
He needed my silence.
I needed his words.
And now we're left with nothing.
And I'm not there for him
and he's not there for me.
And there will be no us.

I wish there were an us.


Paul said...

OG, I also wish there was an 'us' for you.
He inspired you beautifully and differently than your Demon Muse.
It's great to be back.
Love and warm hugs,

oatmeal girl said...

Paul!! It's so good to hear from you. Some of us have been worried about you. I hope you've been all right and that you had a sweet Passover.

And yes, what I received from the philosopher was different from what the sadist gives me. And I couldn't now serve my demon muse without the one who came before.

persephone said...

i know you're going to get through this, OG. the pain passes, but the beauty remains. i'm so sorry that you're stuck so deep in the pain right now but it will teach you something about yourself and you will get through it. lots of hugs.

by the way, therapists don't just get through it because they know where to put it. a big part of being a successful therapist and not burning out is going to tons of our own therapy and understanding why we react the way we do to our work. figuring out what the things we hear bring up within ourselves (i.e., this person's pain reminds me of my own, how can i work through it?) is the key to getting through difficult emotional work.

my word verification letters are "sayin." that's cause i'm just sayin'... ;)

Anonymous said...

You said:
I'd cry over the phone calls,
over their stress,
over their need,
over their grief and their loss.

That is what nurturers do. We are a sensitive breed, women like us.

og, much like myself, you also sound like an empath, but it will surely take untold tolls on your spiritual, mental and physical health - If the caring and love that you give and share, freely, is not restored, replenished.

You need someone to help FILL what has been depleted, not take more from your sustenance.

There is a time for pain, but moreso, is the need for you to be nurtured and caressed, held and cherished, for who you are and what you give to those around you.

i wish these things for you, og.

Bless your heart - this post hit me square in the chest.

mamacrow said...

Everyone deals with that kind of stress differently... And therapists also don't all deal with how you discribe... In one of my job I worked closely with all sorts of therapists, psychologists, social workers and nurses in the mental health field (I trained them in computer programmes and also audit work) and often I'd end up being their therapist in a way! Sometimes, it would just all come out... I and my collegues were just as much a support to them in many ways as they were to their clients...

Keep on trying not to blame yourself. If it wasn't/isn't going to work out with the Philsopher, then if this wasn't going to be a problem then it would be something else.

If you see what I mean. I'm remarkably inarticulate again, sorry! (pregnancy does that to me)

mamacrow said...

o, and forgot to say, very nice to 'see' you again Paul! Hope you're ok :)

cutesy pah said...

I've been so stuck in my own muck & mire that I've completely ignored yours.

comfy hugs to you, darlin'.

How I also wish your wishes to have an "us" would come true.

now, whatever happened to that pajama party we were going to have?!

cutesy pah

Louise said...

So many of us having rough times at the moment... how I wish all the loving vibes do make a difference... Take care, girl, take your time... remember, step by step...

Paul, it's great to see you back; I do hope everything went well.

Ellie said...

Just wanted to say hi. I have absolutely no insight whatsoever just now. Just a {{hug}} and wishing you well.

The sun is shining here, but the wind is bitter cold.

Anonymous said...

SPECIAL MESSAGE ******************************
Greetings from oatmeal girl. My laptop is hopefully being upgraded, unless I end up needing a new one, so I haven't been able to log on for a few days. Your comments come to my e-mail, which I was able to read at work today (very cautiously...).

Thanks to all of you for your support, and special hugs to all of you who are having a hard time right now. I had a good weekend in New York City and, except for computer insanity both at work and at home, am feeling refreshed and not depressed. I'll post something new as soon as I can do it from my own computer.

Thanks again (and special thanks to cutesy pah for posting this comment for me).