Sunday, April 12, 2009

The way it used to be

He spends holidays with the family. Usually a mile or so away at his parents' house, though sometimes at the house of a sibling. He has a lot of them. Occasionally he ventures all the way into the next state to visit the one brother who bought a house that far away. But never alone. He gets a ride with some of the others.

He can't drive.

We used to talk about it beforehand. I'd tell him to think of his kitten hiding under the table. I'd be curled up at his feet, until the urge to be naughty became too much for me. Then he'd feel my hand sneaking into his lap... I wanted him to think of me as he had dinner with his parents and the gang of siblings. I wanted him to get an erection, and then feel the blush staining his pale, Irish face, until it almost matched his red Irish hair.

I envied him his close family. I kept thinking that one day I'd get to meet them. They fascinated me, all so different, all so close. I have pictures of his cute and funny red-headed niece, who is his goddaughter.

Some of his family is on Facebook. I resist the temptation to send a message to the brother to whom he's closest, the brother who had invited us to have dinner with him and his wife. I resist the temptation to write and introduce myself, to say I'm worried about John, I'm worried he may be depressed, is he doing ok, is he making progress on the dissertation, please don't/do let him know I asked after him...

I'm trying hard to let go. I have to let go. I couldn't take the silence, especially when I know, I know, I've known all along somehow deep inside that it was all a fantasy.

And yet the pain keeps coming back. I'm going up to New York next week and I wish I could tell him I'll be in New York next week and how about meeting my bus and going somewhere for tea just to talk. Just so I can see him again.

It wouldn't happen.
I drove him crazy.
He has no room for me.
He has no room for anyone.
He has a goal.
He has to finish.
And besides.
He doesn't have relationships.
Except for the family.

He spends holidays with his family. And he used to sneak off during the family dinners to check his e-mail. If anyone commented, he'd say he was expecting something from a student. I'd send him provocative messages, and he'd write back, and then slip back into the family gathering.

I wonder if he thought of me today.

Probably not.

But I thought of him.
I still do
think of him
every
single
day.

Do they sell Super Glue for broken hearts?

12 comments:

cutesy pah said...

OG- hugs to you. You're so dear and sweet. my heart goes out to you. I wish I could take your pain away.

mamacrow said...

oh (((Hugs))

Lydia said...

Yes, my online Dom also spends holidays with his family .. plus I am losing hope to meet Him at all.
Be strong, my dear .

Anonymous said...

The type of woman that's easily used and thrown away.

mamacrow said...

your grammar - or lack of it - makes your comment lack context, anon.

Are you a troll? are you trying to insult OG?

cos if so - BACK OFF NOW.

if not - hey, you may want to rephrase that, ok?!

Anonymous said...

OG, as you know where I am from, you know that I am another of your anonymous commenters, albeit, one who would never judge, nor say something so tasteless, contemptible, and hurtful.

What a 'git.'

If I may say so - That 'other anon' is extremely rude and quite possibly missing a sensitivity gene.

Keep your chin up, OG and ignore those worthy of utter dismissal.

I did not want to run interference, but I just HAD to say something, in your defense.

Be well and Happy.

We deserve it - all of 'us.'

gd said...

OG, i've changed my mind and am no longer going to remain 'Anonymous.'

i know you said you were dying to know who i was - i am just a woman trying to heal my life, as many of us are. Evolving and regressing, as life demands.

i have read you for some time, but rarely am inclined to bring attention to myself, unless i am inspired, moved, or angered - Or otherwise.

i believe you to be a lovely woman, who is honest, insightful and sweet. You are a dear soul, and it just infuriates me when a narrow mind obscures the path to understanding and empathy.

And that same egocentric, arrogant 'git' then decides to take it a step further, by insulting and attempting to demean you.

Hey, humiliation can be a good thing, but you have to know what you're doing, anon. Grasp that?

Took the bait on this one, didn't i ~laughing~

Well, hell ... now ya know!

oatmeal girl said...

My goodness, all this activity! What a lovely team you all are!

cutesy pah, I'm not totally dear and sweet. I have a nasty side, which I'm working hard to repress. I'm depressive and dependent and have a wicked, emotional temper - which again, I am trying to control.

But I do love hugs, and am imagining myself surrounded by you all.

mamacrow, you are cutely fierce (fiercely cute) as your feathers get ruffled and you show your talons.

Lydia, I'm so sorry you're losing hope of meeting your Dom. But the truth is that some of them do only want an on-line connection. That's all the philosopher was after, and I would have been spared some hurt if I'd accepted that.

gd, thank you so much for giving yourself an identity. I can't track you down through it, you are quite safe from that, but at least now you have a name of sorts and a personality. Welcome to the girls' club.

As for Anonymous - you're not that far off, I'm afraid. When you're desperate for love and are gifted with remarkably low self-esteem, you are (meaning me) perfect fodder for those who want to treat us like toilet paper.

The situation with my sadistic demon muse is an odd one. On the one hand, he does try to persuade me that I am indeed exactly that - a thing to amuse him, to use for his pleasure, to torment in response to his sadistic needs... and on the other hand he works hard to give me confidence in my mind, in my talent, in my innate sexiness that he is convinced must call out to every man (and woman) I pass. I suppose these don't necessarily contradict. We can admire, for example, our vibrators and speak of them with great admiration. But we still, at bottom, regard them as utilitarian objects, no matter how much pleasure we extract from them.

Anyway, thanks again to you all - those who support and those who challenge.

o.g.

mamacrow said...

welcome gd!

OG - if you didn't have a nasty side then your sweetness wouldn't be apparent. light and shade and all that :)

talons... indeed :) i do have a bit of mamabear side too - threaten my loved ones and hear me GROOOOOWL!

Velvet said...

Ooo I came to this late. I don't think Anon's comment is necessarily an insult even if it was meant as one, and in that case, who cares what a random dickhead thinks. However, if you're the type of person who openly shows love, can admit vulnerability, can make room in your life for an abundance of pleasure and love and time for others, as I believe you are... and if that's the kind of woman who can be easily used and thrown away, then bring it on. The world needs more people willing to take risks for love. It needs less people who will take advantage of that, and they're the people maligned by this kind of comment.

Hugs, you're the best.

xx milla

Lauren said...

I wish I could give you more than just another internet hug. It always seems so inadequate.

Take care of yourself, OG.

gd said...

Why, thank you ever so much, OG, for putting out the 'welcome mat.'

Hi, mamacrow, nice to make your acquaintance.

Hope you're feeling better, OG, i truly do. i know how difficult this can be.