Sunday, April 26, 2009

Slowly letting go. Very slowly.

It has been over a month since I last heard from the philosopher. More than 5 weeks since he told me he couldn't take my suffering comments any more. I was so torn, in so much pain, I wanted him and knew by then that it couldn't work and yet just couldn't bring myself to give up so drove him to declare enough already.

And I still write him every week or so.

Wisely, I suppose, he doesn't write back.

I wish he would write back.

I'm trying to truly give up. See how stupidly conflicted I am? I know he can't give me what I want and need. I always knew that, but preferred to believe in the fantasy.

I can't quite let go of the fantasy. It's nearly a year since we last saw each other and I can't quite let go of the fantasy.

Take a look at my profile on this page. Does that sound like it's really over?

I just can not bring myself to change it. Every so often I look at it and then back away from changing. I've gotten as close as thinking I'll change it but will enshrine the original one somewhere on that side of the page. Of course, I haven't managed to act on it.

However, I did manage to remove the philosopher from my FetLife profile. It was hard, but not as bad as here. After all, I went over to FetLife late last summer after he broke up with me "for good." He was never part of my presence there, although he did have a mutating place in my profile. And the big thing about FetLife is that it is where my demon muse found me, devised a plan, set a trap, and caught me within one week.

So I removed the philosopher from my profile there. And now it reads:

I am a submissive Jewish bisexual feminist baby boomer with pretenses of being a writer. Did I leave anything out? Oh yeah... cats and red hair. That should cover it.

The man I call my demon muse is a brilliant, creative, and inspiring sadist who values me for my words and works hard to keep me disciplined and writing to my full potential. I am moved and grateful beyond description that he has agreed to take me back into his service after a very unfortunate falling out in December. Our resumed relationship is more satisfying than ever. He no longer scares me; instead I live immersed in a transforming state of submission, and give myself willingly to whatever he has in mind.

The sadist tortures my body and nourishes my soul. His ownership honors me and his attentions educate and enrich me. I am chained to him by my devotion, and need nothing more.

That will do for now.

Meanwhile, there are still relics of the philosopher in the house, including the underwear he deliberately left on his last visit and the pony tail I lopped off the first time I cut his hair. There is a picture on my bookshelf, though no longer on my desk or by my bed. And worst of all, there is the beautiful close-upthat adorns my computer desktop.

I think about getting rid of it. It feels like an amputation. He has been there for so long... but soon a friend will be upgrading my operating system, and that would seem an appropriate time to replace the philosopher with the cats. I'll have support for it, so maybe it won't be too painful.

We wouldn't have worked out. I know that - although I still can't accept it.

And I miss him.
I thought I was done crying over him.
I wish we could at least try being friends again.

But it's been 5-1/2 weeks and I haven't heard a word.
And I worry about him.

[she shakes her head as if to clear out the cobwebs that are the remnants of what they had. if they did have anything. it doesn't help. healing takes time. she wishes she had someone of her own.]


cutesy pah said...

Unfortunately being friends with the philosopher simply isn't an option right now. I desperately tried to be friends with my ex-husband, because we started out and friends, and throughout the marriage we were more friends than lovers.

But, it was too hard at first, and I kept trying to entice him with the mention of new boydfriends, and love interests. When he didn't respond, I got upset. Then, I became angry and didn't want him to know anything of my life. Now, 5 and a half years after our divorce, I no longer want to be friends, and have no respect for him, and mostly disdain for his life choices, andd for the way he treats our children, giving his girlfriend more time than our daughter. grrrr.....

but, it took a long time for me to reach that point. When I first told my therapist that I wanted to remain friends with him, she said, "why? That's not healthy. He doesn't need to know your business." Although it took time, I did come to agree with her.

And, my friends concurred that it wasn't appropriate to be friends so soon after a divorce. I was trying harder to be friends than I was trying to recover from the divorce. That was ignoring my needs, as well as confusing the kids. Luckily, you don't have a portion of that problem, but you still need to give yourself space and time to heal.

From the sounds of things, he's never been there for you. He's not a good partner, and probably won't be a good friend. But, it's really painful to learn that something that meant so much to you likely didn't mean that much to him. And that sucks.....

I am glad that you're feeling better, though. Life is all about the ups and downs, and it does take bad to make us realize how good it really is, and can continue to be.

hugs to you!

Paul said...

OG, unfortunately healing takes time for this sort of wound.
Better to have cauterised it straight away, so to speak, but does anyone have the courage to do that!
Love and warm hugs,

mamacrow said...

just (((Hugs)))

i'm sorry. it sucks :(

oatmeal girl said...

Still no word from him. I'm starting to give up. Which is frustrating as I keep getting the urge to share little things with him. It feels unnatural. But this is what he needs. it was always what he needed. I just have to learn to accept it.