Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I'm not sure why I need to do this tonight, but I do, so you'll have to forgive me.

This is a straight-out honest statement. No attempts at being artsy, or literary, or sexy, or provocative, or whatever you keep coming back for. Just a statement.

This man. This man who typed his way into my life for whatever reasons of his own. Yes. He's a sadist. Yes, he's a predator. Yes, he is truly dangerous, and brilliant and creative and funny and perceptive.

But here's the thing. He has done for me what no one else has ever been able to do.

All those things he wrote to me were absolutely true. All those things about my being different and isolated and imprisoned by my difference - all true. What he said there - that didn't change anything. I'm still very different from most people. I am tolerated as much as anything else.

But he taught me to value myself. To make no apologies for who I am. He has made me hold my head up and be proud of my talent, proud of my creativity, proud of my sexiness which I never fully swam in before he showed me who I am. And on top of all that, he has given me structure and direction and discipline. I try not to think of what I might have been and achieved if I had had all that for 2 decades instead of not quite 2 years.

He doesn't read here, so he won't see this. Not that he doesn't know how I value what he has done for me. But I wanted to say it straight out. Here. Just so you all know.

Because of this man, I have grown so much. And I am glad that when I kneel before him I can offer him my strength along with my vulnerability and submission and love.

Thank you, my Master.

Thank you for teaching me to treasure myself.


Anonymous said...

Reading this, I was reminded of another post of yours, and had to go looking for the brief and memorable discussion of Passover. (See March 30, 2010)This is, indeed, liberation theology, in different clothing. (Oddly enough, my Master and I are reading Robert Alter's The Five Books of Moses, and now we have an adjunct discussion topic for tonight, so thank you!) In any case, this is a fascinating and complex relationship you have, and while it's easy to get lost in that, it's also delightful to know that your publication is just a beginning. We have the sense that you're just taking off as an author, in several genres, so this is a seminal statement. Go get 'em, OG. - jcn

Aisha said...

I always feel like your writing lets me deep into your life and mind. Thank you for sharing yourself.

Reading this post, I appreciate what you're saying. I look like I fit, but know inside that I don't. I've learned to deal with that, but suffered quite a bit for a long time. I'm so glad that your relationship is making your life better...

oatmeal girl said...

jcn - you're going to have to explain to me why this makes you think of liberation theology. Liberation, though - that's a good word to use in discussing my relationship with the sadist. He found me, he claimed me, I gave myself to him, and continually cede to him more and more. The closer he holds me, the more he frees me. The more he debauches me (and oh yes, he does plan on debauching me more and more), the more cleansed I feel.

And the more he wrenches from my my screams and sobs, the more he fills me with joy. I suppose that is a theology of sorts...

Aisha, thank you so much for your comment. I'm sorry you have had pain like mine. But then you know, I hope, how amazing it is to finally find somewhere you DO fit.