Tuesday, May 5, 2009

How can I not?

mamacrow left this comment in response to my post Mantra.
(I presume you already know, but you've been talking about love quite a lot lately... in regards to the demon muse... just saying...)
I had to laugh. And wrote a reply to her comment which kept on going until I decided I should make it into a separate post. As follows:

"just saying..."

You're so cute, mamacrow. Well, yeah. I think I mentioned perhaps a month or so ago that he stated to me straight out that he knew I was in love with him. That allowed me to own up to it to myself.

But there are all sorts of love. It's not a romantic love. It's... I'm not sure I really know, but there is such a shared intimacy between us, an intellectual sharing as well as the intensity of D/s and the force of his personality and the whole sexual component. He is unlike anyone I have ever known, in many ways. He does things for me that no one else ever has - and really they are for me even though they also, of course, fulfill his own needs. He has preyed on my vulnerabilities, sure, but he has promoted my abilities, has built up my ego, as demonstrated in this post, by claiming that not to think well of myself was insulting his infallible judgment, and he has gotten me to think about myself in ways I never truly have before.

He is teaching me to love myself.

I am his creation.
I am his.
But I am also me and my own, and he respects the hell out of me.

And this man who virtually stank of charisma the first time he walked through my door - this man wants me. This man values me. This man treasures me. This man takes pride in creating me and owning me.

How could I not be in love with him?

I had to write a psalm tonight. I had told him I was concerned that it would end up being not about God, but about him. He responded that it was the other way around - that whenever I wrote about him, it sounded as if I were writing about God.

He's such a narcissist that I don't think he minds.

Personally, I think that if I do worship him like a god, he's earned it.

Obviously, we suit each other.

(And yes, I'm laughing.)


Vesta said...

When I read this, my mind went straight to Carly Simon:

"You're so vain, I bet this song is about you..."


mamacrow said...

well I'm honoured I have a whole post in response to a comment!

I managed to totally miss you commenting that he said he knew you were in love with him... (PHEW what a sentence!)

still, I didn't mean to imply it was a bad thing.. it sounds very good, you sound great on it...
You're certainly writing VERY well on it!

but I'm not forgetting your quiet, hanging out, reading the paper together needs... and am hoping you find a way to get those met too (((HUGS)))

oatmeal girl said...

Vesta - I admit it. I have more than once had that thought about him myself. The man is a narcissist, he says so himself and fits the psych definition pretty well. On the other hand... well, you know...

mamacrow - the good thing about his shoving it at me was that it freed me to deal with it rather than push it away. but I do have to deal with it, and not let it get out of hand, not lses myself in delusion. I can be hurt very easily.

And no, I haven't forgotten the other needs. They are very very real. Perhaps he is grooming me into someone whom a man or woman might see and say yes, I want to cuddle up with her and the Sunday NY Times after giving her her morning caning... he is certainly trying to teach me to respect myself and have faith in myself... except when I disappoint him and want to curl up in a hole and hide. (Another story...)

baby girl said...

this is wonderful o.g. i've been away from home and my computer and had a lot of catching up to do.

great way to spend a saturday morning, catching up on your beautiful writings.