Saturday, June 20, 2009

Breakthrough

The Irishman was here last night, for the first time in a couple of months. I was glad. I needed the physical contact. He didn't stay very long, but even that little bit was welcome.

He contacted me earlier in the evening. I said I was open to a visit and would be home, but was tired. I pulled off all my clothes and went to bed very early. It felt good crawling naked into the bed, surrounded by cats. I dozed off feeling the sadist's arms gathering me to him.

At around 10:30 pm there was a noise from my cell phone. I assumed it was a text message from the Irishman. Instead it was 6 words from the sadist that made me feel warm all over. I replied, got up and e-mailed him in more detail, and saw a message from the Irishman with an ETA. Then I crawled back into bed, again feeling all warm and cuddly.

At that point, I would have been just as happy if the Irishman had not been on his way. I hugged those 6 words to myself and felt thoroughly owned. I marvel at the emotions that wash over me. It is a sense that is very distinct from feeling loved. I have no expectations of being loved by my Master, although I do think he is "fond" of me and he certainly treasures me. But I feel more secure as his pet than I have ever felt in any supposed love relationship. More safe, even, although I am quite aware that he wants some very scary things from me. It puzzles me, but I am happy, so while I strive to understand, I do not question. I just hug myself and say "Thank you, my Master" and tell him that I love him while expecting nothing of the sort in return.

Around 11, the Irishman turned up, with his crooked smile and cold, focused gaze that washes over his eyes as he is transformed before me into a dom.

He has had a goal. To get his generous-sized cock into my tight little asshole. And this time he finally made it in. There was a bit of pain at first, and then it was fine. Afterwards, though, I'm not sure what happened. Perhaps, now that he was finally in, he wilted a bit. I'm not sure. but he withdrew. I could hear him behind me, as I was bent over the bed, lubing up his cock and pulling on it, but he came on my lower back before he could make it back in.

But he did get an erection. I know he gets erections. I've sucked him off, I've brought him off in my hand. And he has fucked my cunt good and hard from behind, though not for super long before he came.

The thing is, I'm starting to get paranoid.

Is it me?

Ex-hubby #1 definitely had trouble with premature ejaculation. #2 did better, but not all that well - though with him I suspect he wasn't concerned about lasting long enough to give me pleasure. S-- used to be great, but the last time couldn't fuck me at all. That problem started a few years ago, leading to lack of contact for 2 years (long story) and improvement the next time we were together, but then it went back downhill. And the philosopher... [sigh]

Could it be my fault? My Master would probably say it's because I'm so hot and sexy. Logic would say what do I expect from older guys? but they were young when I was married, and the philosopher isn't even 40 yet.

Should I hang up a sign saying "If you can't keep it up, it's not your fault"?

In any case, the Irishman was sweet about it, and said he'll just have to practice with me more. My ass has decided it really likes being fucked, so I do hope he comes back soon and tries again.

He ordered me to stay in position bent over the bed and patted me affectionately on the butt before leaving the house. I rose feeling happy yet matter-of-fact, took a shower to wash his cum off my back, and returned to my bed, again falling asleep with memories of being scooped up in my Master's arms as I sat on his lap.

I feel oddly detached about my sessions with the Irishman. We don't exchange much in the way of e-mails, which is a pity, as he is a smart man with a good command of the language. He knows I care about words, and yesterday said perhaps he was stingy with them as one of his ways of dominating me, as he knows I like them. His miserliness also serves to keep a distance between us, because I think we would both enjoy a more extensive correspondence. And that, I think, is one of the techniques he uses to handle these extra-marital dalliances by which he satisfies his dominant and sadistic appetites.

In any case, it works. I don't feel him to be a threat to my relationship with my Master - meaning, it doesn't confuse me. I do keep wishing I could have a boyfriend, and again and again I realize I'm not ready to compromise my devotion to the sadist in order to give someone else primacy.

So my ass was fucked, if briefly, and this morning it looked as if it had been excavated a bit. There is a bruise on my left breast from where the Irishman spanked it. He's into that, it seems, but is careful to support it underneath with his other hand. It didn't hurt as much as when the sadist flogged it, but I could see clear, red marks from his fingers after he left. I don't suppose the sadist would be all that happy with the bruise, as he is quite devoted to my breasts, but it will clear.

And so, I went back to sleep, feeling fine, wishing I'd been fucked more, and feeling my Master's arms around me.

The oddest part of it all was the next morning. I awoke from a dream about the philosopher. I've been thinking about him, worrying about him, debating about contacting his brother on Facebook to say I'm concerned about him and love him and hope he's OK. And there I was this morning, after having been spanked and butt fucked by the Irishman (he has a very firm, hard spank, for which my bottom is very grateful), after having received a lovely 6-word text message from the sadist and falling asleep feeling his arms around me, I awoke from a dream about the philosopher and knew I still love him.

Sometimes my life seems very very complicated.

7 comments:

persephone said...

wow, you've said so much here. there are so many rich things going in your mind, obviously, and it's hard to know what to say exactly... but that i'm glad that you are getting what you need. your situation with the sadist reminds me of my situation with my former owners, and as you know that relationship gave me a lot of good experiences as well as the ability to eventually grow out of them-- into something a thousand times better. you certainly deserve to have things move in a similarly positive direction. enjoy these moments! :) warm wishes.

thedirtyblonde said...

Hurrah about the anal sex! Each time for me feels like the first time because it's often a while between fuckings there -- makes it new and fresh and interesting.

Perhaps the Irishman was overwhelmed as anal sex isn't on many women's menus, and perhaps conscious that it was your first time and he didn't want to hurt you in the wrong way.

cutesy pah said...

Daddy tells me that it would be easily to cum quickly with me as I'm so small and tight. from your descriptions, and comments from the sadist, that's likely the issue for you as well. Their inability to stay hard has nothing to do with you. Daddy tells me it's all about mind-control.

As for the anal sex, I'm glad that you experienced it, and it was enjoyable for you, even if it ended too soon. I haven't managed that yet with Daddy. I'm hoping the next time we're together.....

hugs and much love,
cutesypah

PS my word verification is "cooking."

oatmeal girl said...

meg - it's interesting you bring up your former owners, because I was thinking of you and them when I wrote the part about wishing I had a boyfriend but now being ready to give up the sadist. And you're right - he WILL make it more possible to, with any luck, attract someone of my own. A big part of that is how sexy he has made me feel. The confidence he has given me in the attractiveness of my brain as well as of my body. Not to mention the risks he has prepared me to take.

I would hate to have a life without him.

dirty blonde - your point is interesting. The Irishman has been trying to get into my ass almost every time he has been here, but I've just been too tight. I can't remember what he said this time, as I held the position bent over the bed which he had ordered me to hold, but it was some sort of request (in domly terms) for confirmation that I was his fucktoy and would give him whatever he wanted. Considering his past attempts and the current proffered state of my butt hole, it was pretty obvious what he was after. But he IS kind and only mildly sadistic, and I appreciated his making sure I knew what was to come.

Which brings us to the comment by cutesy pah's Daddy, about how a very tight ass would precipitate a quick orgasm. Actually, my cunt is pretty tight, too - which doesn't account for the guys who just can't get or keep it up but might explain the ex-husbands cumming so fast if they hadn't done any research in ways to hold off orgasm, which I doubt they had.

I don't think the Irishman was upset, and I do hope he tries again.

Orlando C. said...

Aarrgh, OG, I keep having silly problems posting comments. Anyway, I wanted to say congratulations, as I know you've been hoping to be taken in this way for a long time. And that it will probably keep get easier for both (all) of you. The first attempt at anything is rarely fireworks, huh?

Liras said...

Your life is complicated, my dear.

Laur said...

I wrote a really long comment and then my internet shut down and I lost it, grr.

So, for try #2...

I know I lurk too much over here. I never miss a post and I love how you're able to articulate your thoughts and emotions so well! When this post showed up in my reader and I read through it, I was going to jump on over to comment but didn't for some reason. I can't remember why. Skimming through it a second time, I still feel compelled to comment.

First of all, I'm really glad that you finally had anal sex. I know you've been waiting for that moment, so I'm really happy for you :) I didn't really enjoy it my first time and I'm still not sure if I have found any pleasure in it yet. So, it's awesome that your first time was a success!

As for premature ejaculation ... I truly do not believe that it has to do with you. If it does, it's nothing negative.

Now, I'm a bio geek, so excuse me for a minute, but I want to try and support that thought.

Nearly all erectile difficulties are psych related. The problem is that what causes the erection and what causes ejaculation are two entirely different nervous systems. So, he may not have had a problem getting an erection, but many things can cause him to ejaculate very quickly. The system that allows him to cum can easily dominate and that is related to his arousal, anxiety, stress, physical stimulation, etc. He was probably concerned about hurting you too much since it was his first time taking you that way, the physical stimulation would have added onto that, and also his arousal could easily throw him over that edge.

A lot of it is about mind control. Once both of you are fully comfortable and there is nothing else causing him to cum other than his arousal and desire for you, everything should be fine.

As for your ex's ... Any sort of anxiety can cause erectile problems. Even if it is not related to you at all. Don't be so hard on yourself :)

Anyway, that's my take on it, so I will stop rambling now, haha.

Take care,

Lauren