Monday, August 17, 2009

Protected species

The sadist has informed the beast that I am off limits.

We both know the situation is only temporary.

One day, despite my Master's firm belief that to unleash his sadism on me would be dangerous for us both, the beast will break through the invisible fence that surrounds me.

We both, I believe, fear and long for that moment.

Certainly, my Master knows himself far better than I do, and knows far better the evil of which he is capable. He has, as I've said before, another outlet for his sadism, and I am truly grateful for that, even as I wrestle with jealousy that there is someone else whose services he so badly needs.

Compared to what I suspect has been inflicted on others, the few small tastes I've had of the beast's bite have been exceptionally mild, and I have felt very little of it for months now.

I confess to disappointment.
I confess to longing.
I confess to flirting with danger.

I confess to flirting with the beast, to leaving him little messages that I know will make his mouth water, to painting pictures of my weakness, of my vulnerability, of my pale exposed neck begging to be torn to shreds by his cruel jaws.

I'm walking on the edge of a precipice and hoping the ledge will give way beneath my feet. I'm prepared to jump up and down on it if necessary.

And when I begin to tumble into the ravine below, I will regret not having a parachute.

I am obviously a bit mad. But I am also hungry, though for a different meal than the one that lures the beast.

I am quite aware that my fantasies of being spanked and flogged and caned and raped and burned and branded are far more extreme than what I could tolerate and, I hope, more extreme than what the sadist would permit me to suffer. He is a wise and focused man, despite the deep vein of cruelty that runs through him. Still, when a wild animal breaks out of his cage, one can never be sure how well his training will hold, just as I am never quite sure how far my Master is planning on taking the gang rape he has been planning for me. (Though is it truly rape if I submit willingly? And is it truly willing if I have been deeply hypnotized into always wanting to obey?)

What it comes down to is this.
Curiosity.
I want to know.
I want to learn.
I want to experience.
How much can I tolerate?
How will my suffering change me?
How will my suffering change his attitude towards me?

How much have I changed so far? I do believe I have changed. I think I would respond to a caning quite differently than I did last time. I think I have learned about acceptance, about offering, about the intimacy of giving him my suffering. There is a beauty to it - not to the pain itself, but to the complete destruction of walls between us. I have tasted that. When he tortures my nipples, I taste that.

There is an intimacy even greater than sex.
And dangerous though it may be, I long for it.

7 comments:

nancy said...

I so understand that longing.. dangerous though it is.
Nice that you are back with so much to say!

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I am the woman from the DC area who recently exchanged emails from you. Had to chuckle out loud when you made the comment that obviously you are a bit mad :-). Question for you...how much of your hunger do you think is due to an organic masochistic appetite and how much of it is because you simply want the beast and you know what feeds it? Lynn

oatmeal girl said...

nancy - longing for danger... I've had a very cautious life. I'm 60 years old. I look like I'm 40. It's time to take advantage of that oddity, to stop thinking I have just 10 good years left, and to flirt with dark desires. His - and mine.

Hi, Lynn! Thanks for turning up in public. Your question is an interesting one. The sadist says I'm not in fact a masochist - and from what little I know of them, I suspect he is right. I do truly think my fantasies exceed my true desires. I'm not one who can't live without pain. I think it's the being overwhelmed that I crave, and the submission.

And the beast? My Master tells me what feeds him, and while I take risks by exciting his hunger, he also tells me exactly what does excite him. He feeds on weakness and vulnerability. And since part of my job is to arouse him, I am in the funny position of stirring up his hungers to please him even as he wishes to control them.

And yes. I do want the beast. Most of all, because the beast is a part of my Master, and I belong to him, and Iw ant to serve him and his needs - all of them - however I can.

Paul said...

OG, your answer to Lynn's comment throws a good light on where you are coming from.
It helps to understand, but do you have to say it so beautifully.
I know, it's what your sadist wants.
Beauty feeds the soul, for me you are a three course meal.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

mamacrow said...

'I'm walking on the edge of a precipice and hoping the ledge will give way beneath my feet. I'm prepared to jump up and down on it if necessary.'

LOL! I can just see you doing that too!

oatmeal girl said...

Paul and mamacrow, today's post is a further comment on all this. The sadist continues to confuse me. I am his toy and he plays with me. Which is, I think, part of my training. On the one hand, he said the one word "Yes" when I said today that he is training me to beg for the pain. And on the other hand, he talked about that's not how he wants me to serve him. Very confusing. I'm not sure if that reflects any ambivalence on his part (could there be such a thing with him?) and how much it is a deliberate attempt to keep me off kilter, which is very much something he would do.

mamacrow said...

maybe, while he is intending to train you to beg for the pain, that's not to be the main focus of your service to him?

Plus, it's just occured to me, as Paul joked - once he's got you begging for the pain, he'll deny it and only dole it out now and then when you've been VERY good?!