It was only a week. Every year, it is only a week. But while I am there, it feels like that's all there is.
Just as during those 30-minute segments of his presence my Master allots me to serve him with my nakedness and my mind and my voice and my submission, nothing else seems real.
Except for this. While I am with my Master, there is nothing else. But while I was away, I was never really away from my Master. I felt a certain grounding that had never been with me before, even when I was in love with the philosopher and thought he was in love with me. I hugged to myself my secret, true identity. Feeling owned, feeling treasured, feeling - being - valued, these are all powerful weapons against insecurity and self-doubt.
I had one small assignment to do in bed every night, before I fell asleep. A 10-second exercise, the beginning of a creative project through which the sadist is guiding me. And that one, small assignment was enough to make me feel safe and wanted, even though during the week I received very few messages from my owner. Times such as this make it clear how wise he is, how experienced, how very very dominant and very very effective. And for this I am very very grateful.
Driving home, I realized that the camp itself was an excellent place for a disorganized submissive with ADD. There was a schedule. I knew where I needed to be and at what time. 2 classes, 3 meals, dance parties, medication coordinated with meals and bedtime, practice sessions inserted as time and space and naps allowed. Structure.
A girl like me needs structure. And among everything else the sadist gives me, there is structure. And within the cage he has built me, I dance and sparkle.
But back to the topic of this post. While I had internet access this last week, I stayed away from kinky blogs. Which means I've had a lot of catching up to do over the last day.
This has led me to news of 2 men.
One man is submissive and one is dominant.
One is a new, dear friend and the other a long absent one.
The news is both bad and good.
Those who bother to read the comments here have already met Orlando, and some of you have even made your way over to his blog, In Scarlet Ink. He's a smart man, educated, literary, and a good writer, so, inevitably, I have a crush on him. As he easily perceived. However, it is purely a friendly, intellectual sort of crush, as Orlando is submissive and by now I know quite clearly that what I need is a strong, controlling mind and a strong, controlling hand. Still, I am immensely fond of him and am always happy when he leaves a comment or a new post on his own blog.
Except for the post that greeted me when I came home.
Orlando's beloved and very dominant wife Murre is a cancer survivor. And now she is back in the hospital. There aren't a lot of details revealed, but they don't really matter. What's important is that they are struggling with illness and fear and mortality. So please go by and leave them both your best wishes, while incidentally reading a beautifully written and highly perceptive essay on love and hospitals and caregiving.
[a pause for you to follow the link over to Orlando's place and bookmark him before continuing to the good news.]
And good news it is.
The English Gentleman is back. He now calls himself Discerningdom and has a new blog called Sexual Dynamics: Memoirs of A Discerning Dom. But thanks to seeing him listed as Donald Roper in Remittance Girl's list of delicious reads, I know that they are one and the same. As you can read in this old post of mine, I stumbled upon the English Gentleman's old blog a few months into my relationship with the philosopher, and he helped my growth as a submissive in a number of ways. I was very sad when he went missing. One of my favorite parts of his old blog was that his posts inspired long exchanges of comments that grew into rich discussions about various aspects of D/s. I'd rather hoped that would happen here, but have achieved it only occasionally. So I hope you will all trot over to his new home, see what he has to say, and leave your own comments there. If you go now (after stopping by to give Orlando a hug), it won't take too long to get caught up. I've read through everything briefly myself but haven't yet weighed in on any of the issues.
There. You have your 2 assignments. It's arousing in a way to pretend to be a dom...