Saturday, September 5, 2009

Pending punishment

My Master has given the order.
I must beg him to spank me.

There will be nothing sexy about the spanking I will get, although I grow wet as I speak of it. I can't help it. My cunt sabotages me. Something inside me is aroused by the idea of pain. And not just the idea. When he is through with me, when I am sobbing from the pain in my bottom and in my heart, my perfidious pussy will have left a puddle on his thigh.

But all that will matter is that he will consider my debt paid and my lesson learned.

I do hope he will consider my debt paid.

The exact details aren't relevant here.
The outline is enough.
He gave me an assignment.
A difficult assignment.
He wanted me to create a new form.

It means a lot to him.
I know this.

And I haven't been working on it.

I have explanations, of course. I know what is happening. It's a combination of all the things I struggle with, and my behaviour is classic. The ADD, the mental fog from lack of estrogen, the exhaustion from low thyroid levels. There is new medication on its way for the first and the third. The only cure for the second is a radical hysterectomy so I can safely take more estrogen, and I have rejected that option. It doesn't seem conducive to spending my 60s as a slut.

Most days, I've managed to do a tiny bit of work on it, but really, my efforts have been inadequate and unenthusiastic. Lately, all I've done was run through in my head what I already had as I lay in bed before falling asleep. Definitely inadequate.

Catastrophe struck today as we chatted on line and he asked me how his piece was coming along. And I had to admit that last night I forgot to do anything on it at all.

He was furious.

He has every right to be.

He ordered me to set up a calendar and reminder system, which I haven't done till now since I have a Mac and don't have and Outlook calendar - which I do use religiously at work since otherwise I don't remember to do anything! I set up a calendar through Google, and when I came back to report he said the first reminder I should enter is to send him a message Tuesday morning begging him to punish me severely for my carelessness. I am to beg him to make it truly hurt. This will not be a playtime spanking.

The message is already written and ready to be sent.
It is detailed, as he wished,
about spanking
and flogging
and caning,
twisting my nipples
and stopping my breath.
About hurting me.
About really hurting me.

He has done that before, as I've told you before, though not for a long time. The pain was real. The physical pain was very real. But worse than that, as any true submissive can testify, is the pain in my heart from knowing I have disappointed him.

The pain in my heart from making him doubt that I can serve him in the way that he desires. The longer he has owned me, the more possibilities he has seen for desires that I can fulfill. His expectations were always high and now they are higher. And the connection...

There is one more thing, of course.

He is, after all, a sadist.
He does want to hurt me.
He wants to hurt me and he has been holding back.
He wants to flog my cunt
and he has been holding back.
He will enjoy my punishment.

I won't.
But he will.

No date is set. But I doubt it will be before the end of next week. I am dreading the actual punishment but looking forward to being cleansed of my sins.

Meanwhile, I am working hard on the piece for him. I threw out everything I had done, started fresh, and made a huge amount of progress.

It is due on Thursday.

I do hope I please him.


cutesypah said...

ahhh....the pain which brings about sexual arousal. I don't understand how my body seemingly betrays my mind which screams for the pain to stop, while the body says, "more, more."

for me, I had a hysterectomy last October, and left my ovaries in. Best thing I ever did. I actually began having orgasms during sex afterwards because there were no swollen painful body parts in the way to detract from the heavenly friction. My friends told me I would not regret it. They were right.

I can't tolerate being put on hold for a punishment. I beat myself up too much in the meantime, and am left a quivering mess of nerves, and self-criticism and doubt.

I'm glad this is working for you.


nancy said...

Ohh being left to wonder about the moment for an unknown period of time..sometimes can be worse than the actual punishment.

Although it does not sound like this will be the case for you~!

Paul said...

OG dear girl, I hope that this punishment will be everything that you desire.
Yes disappointing your Master is a terrible thing, but the punishment will cleanse you.
Love and warm hugs,