Saturday, September 26, 2009

Some things you don't have to forgive

Yom Kippur begins on Sunday night.

Judaism is about our relationship with other people. The forgiveness we seek in the week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is from other people, not from God. We are also supposed to offer forgiveness to others.

For years, I have been struggling with my inability to forgive ex-hubby #2. There is certainly a lot to forgive him for. Not that I was perfect. I can fully understand that I must have been a pain in the ass to live with. But through his self-centeredness and emotional abuse, he unraveled my always shaky ego. The sadist has been working long and hard to build me up in my own eyes. Anyone who thinks that cultivating the submission of one you wish to own involves destruction prior to re-creation has it all backwards. The power of my Master's ownership comes from enabling me to see who I am, teaching me to dance in my sense of self-worth, and then bringing me to the sure and joyous knowledge that the best, the only thing to do with my talent and beauty and delight is to place it all at his feet.

Do you wonder that I love him?

The marriage. There were many incidents, many attitudes, many words, that accumulated into a mountain of hurt. It was a marriage that shouldn't have been contracted, and that certainly should not have lasted that long. But there is one sin - and yes, I do believe it was a sin - that I come back to again and again. I mentioned it in a support group cum psalm-writing class I went to a number of months ago. A Jewish group. And that was when the therapist leading the group said "There are some things you don't have to forgive."

"Oh!" I said. "You mean, like Hitler?"

I've spoken of his sin before. I mentioned it in passing in this story - which I am really very proud of, so please do go read it if you haven't before. But his sin came to mind with a vengeance today as I read the following in a New York Times piece on Tanya Snyder, the wife of Redskins' owner Dan Snyder:
After she learned she had breast cancer early last year, she called Dan at his office and he sped home. They took a long walk.
After I learned I had melanoma, I called my husband at his office. He said he had a committee meeting and would see me at home that night.

Some things you don't have to forgive.


Paul said...

OG,Yom Kippur is a hard time for those of us who are honest, true forgiving can be very hard indeed.
I agree with your therapist, some things are unforgivable.
In my last comment I should have said your Master, not his beast, I hope that you understood that.
Love and warm hugs,

Lev said...

a day late but...G'mar Chatima Tovah.

Anonymous said...

Murre here.

Oats, to borrow O.'s term, if one can ever receive cosmic credit for forgiveness-via-living-squarely-in-the-opposite of that which you can't forgive, you should be able to stand before the Divine with a shiningly clean soul. If such proxies count in that place.

Thank you for looking out for us within and through these pages.

cutesypah said...

I'm so happy to hear that the Sadist is working hard to build you up. You deserve all that and more.

for me, it was a very freeing moment to realize that I wasn't a bad person if I didn't forgive someone. As you said, there are some things you don't have to forgive.

I came to realize that my husband was not the loving support soul I wante him to be, and denied his ignorance and lack of acceptance for years. When I wanted to go to law school, he told me that I had to find out if he would be responsible for my student loans if I died. If so, I had to choose: either increase my life insurance policy so he wasn't stuck paying for them, or don't go to law school.

Another one: when I began realizing my submissive nature, I began reading all I could on the subject. When the movie "secretary" came out for rental, I begged him to watch it with me. At the end of the movie, I turned to him and said, "This is what I want." His reply? "That's too much work." After 16 years of marriage and two children, I was "too much work."

When I begged him to have sex with me, and came home night after night after class, tearing off my clothes, lying naked next to him, covering him with kisses, and caresses, he would say, "I'm sleeping. I'm tired. You woke me for sex?!"

When I begged him to make love to me, to rekindle our relationship or I would turn my attention to someone who would make love to me, and enjoy my affections, he told me he would not fight for me, but would rather let me walk away. If I didn't love him enough to stand by his side, and accept him as is, with no affection, no love, and no attention, he said I wasn't worth fighting for.

There truly are some things you don't have to forgive.

hugs, love and chocolate kisses,