Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stimulus and response

Sometimes I think the sadist treats me like a little white lab rat. Apply this stimulus, remove this source of pleasure, and then sit back and watch what happens.

I am very malleable.
As he knows.
An endless source of amusement.

A couple of weeks ago, or maybe more, he said I could sleep with his chain (a long, heavy chain from the hardware store) until the date of my punishment. More recently, he allowed me to add the flogger to my bedtime companions.

The chain is cold when I first get into bed. I pull it close to my bare belly and welcome the burning pain of the cold. Some mornings, I would awake to find that I had slept on it, and would delight in the marks left in my flesh by the links.

Yesterday, he told me to remove both items from the bed.
Today, I had to report.

I took the chain out of the bed shortly after he gave the order. It was very hard to do. I had to force myself. It was like when the philosopher would order me to cane the pillow. I couldn't bring myself to do it but in the end, somehow, I would.

The flogger had the bed to itself for a few hours, but shortly before I would have joined it, I took it out from between the sheets.

I nearly cried myself to sleep. One of the cats (I'm not sure which one) knew I was upset and curled up behind my bent knees right after I turned out the light. That probably saved me from crying.

Today, I was driven to distraction. I couldn't stop thinking about my Master, I couldn't stop wanting to e-mail him, to reach out to him, the way Ketzel stands up on her hind legs with her claws in my jeans, the way Marko pats my arm with his paws, both of them begging for attention and reassurance that I love them.

I could not concentrate at all this afternoon. The office was nearly empty, and I bombarded the sadist with one message after another. Which he did not answer.

He is indeed a sadist.

I kept trying to find a way to convey how utterly submissive I felt. I feel. I still don't have the right image or the right action. I am struggling. How low, how small, how debased... what would make it clear that I have yielded everything I am and that all that remains is for him to continue the process of making me into what he desires.

But know this. I do NOT feel devalued. I am his treasure, and my submission is his valued possession. *I* am his valued possession. He makes me feel strong and smart and creative and proud - and the more I submit, the higher I hold my head. An amusing dichotomy, that, but a reassurance I feel you all need.

I'm tired, and feel that I'm not making complete sense. I'm tired and it's bedtime and he denied my request to sleep with the chain again.

I am his little white lab rat, and by the end of tomorrow I will have lost my little white lab rat mind.


Paul said...

OG, I doubt that you will lose your little mind, which by the way isn't little.
Yes I'm a Jew, but well salted with curiosity and scepticism.
Early Christian mortification was largely down to masochism, do I need to say more.
I do not fear for you, you are stronger than perhaps even your Sadist realises.
Love and warm hugs,

mamacrow said...

does this mean the date of your punishment is nearly at hand then?

oatmeal girl said...

No, Paul, I haven't lost my mind. I have found myself. Each time we meet, I grow nearer and nearer to my true self.

mamacrow, also we have no idea when my punishment will take place. it requires more time than our usual snatched lunchtime meetings, and the guarantee of extended privacy. But it will happen - and in a way my further development is good preparation for that day. because it won't just be punishment. It will be a meeting with the Beast.

mamacrow said...

can't wait can't wait can't wait!

oatmeal girl said...

mamacrow - you can't wait?! Perhaps my Master isn't the only sadist in my life now...

mamacrow said...

lol! Sorry, but it's entirely your fault for writing so sublimely about these things!

nancy said...

No you haven't lost your mind.. and I understand ( as much as someone else could) just how strong you feel as you submission grows.
I would miss that chain very much~