Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I surrender

I began the day in a very good mood.

And now?

This place was my refuge, where I hoped I could be myself - or at least part of myself - without fear of judgment or censure. A naïve hope from the beginning.

I thought I could write without censoring myself. Again, naïve - and not quite honest, because I've been censoring myself all along. There are things I've never told you about the philosopher - to protect him, because I loved him. Because I didn't want to hurt him.

People have lives outside their blogs, people have relationships outside their blogs. You will never know the whole story. You will never really see the diamond glistening with all its facets. A writer is both brutally honest and cautiously selective.

This afternoon, I wrote a short, rhymed poem about shutting down the blog. About keeping it for myself, as a place in which to express myself as I wish to.

I was discouraged from doing that.
Instead, there is this:

I am no longer permitted to write about him.

Perhaps I'll just write about the cats.
Days and weeks and months of poems about my cats.
It should all become pretty insipid after a while.
But at least it won't alarm anyone.

Speaking of which, I'm sorry I mentioned that I know meg. I'm particularly sorry that people are assuming that she has a responsibility to look after my safety. To call the police. Leave her alone. She has no responsibility for looking after me. I have good friends very nearby who do look after me.

I appreciate all the love and concern, but please stop now.

9 comments:

aimee said...

I've read your blog for... I don't know... something like a couple of months. And really, although there have been several times that I've considered posting a comment in which I express my concern and support, every time I think about it, I realize that this life is yours, and you're obviously very content in the place that you are, so who am I to tell you that's not OK? Yes, some of the things you say are outside what's considered "normal" - but aren't we all, in some way? Everyone who blogs about such personal and sensitive subject matter is bound to alarm someone (or many someones) sooner or later.

Obviously, if He's forbidden you to speak of Him here, then I can't argue with that. But I don't agree with censoring one's self in a space that people can choose to visit, or not. You're not broadcasting this to innocent, helpless victims. This is YOUR space, and if people don't like what you have to say, they should leave. If you'd given ANY tiny indication that you were somehow unhappy with your situation, I'd be the first to offer my support and advice. But I do believe you to be happy, despite the rather fringy and occasionally touchy subjects about which you choose to write. If you are happy in the place you are, NO ONE has a right to suggest that you shouldn't be. NO ONE has a right to suggest that the ways in which you find happiness are unhealthy, if it is indeed genuine happiness that you achieve.

Anyway. Enough of my ranting. :)

worm said...

I can't stand it when art is censored!!!!

Paul said...

OG, I'm sorry if my concern offended.
I hope that you won't stop writing,
such talent as yours should not be stifled.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Oatmeal girl, your comment about you being subject to "judgment and censure" seems like a red herring to me. I reread the comments and only get a sense of concern for your well being, not censure of your actions.

We are with you, we don't judge you, we don't censure, we are just concerned. You would be too if you were in our place. Just remember, we are in your corner.

James

mina said...

Stopping by to wish you a Happy Holiday and temporarily shine a light on the subject. *hugs*

charlie said...

This is your time and space to reflect on what is inside of you. If it is his desire that you are not to discuss him, then so be it, but he can't and shouldn't prevent you from releasing your inner feelings and thoughts. You need to express yourself, it is a part of you. By limiting your creativeness through the use of prose and words, then he is taking away something that is a strong and necessary part of you. Eventually, he will be losing you because that void will become a larger and larger part your relationship. You need it and if he is an intelligent sort, then he should realize it and allow you to express yourself otherwise he will lose you.

I hope he comes to his senses and allows you to continue.

Celebrating another Jewish Christmas- the movies and then Chinese food for dinner.

oatmeal girl said...

charlie - a quick clarification. Note that I said I was going to shut the blog down but was discouraged from doing that. What is keeping me silent from now is the sense that I am not free to write what I wish. I'm afraid that people will intrude in my life, try to track me down, try to "save me," call the police, and disrupt a carefully woven fabric of lace and steel.

I am considering my options. If anything, I am being encouraged to continue. The decision is mine.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, Oatmeal Girl, and be of good cheer. Don't do anything hasty. And please give your concerned fans some slack.

Consider what your reaction might have been if:

1. Meg had written that her owner had a beast and

2. the beast was about to be unleashed and, oh by the way,

3. her owner could not guarantee her safety and

4. encouraged her to listen to reader comments

5. which were worried comments about being careful.

Dearest Oatmeal Girl, of course we don't know the entire story. Of course you may be using poetic license, and of course it is annoying to feel perfectly safe (if you do) and have people trying to call the cops to rescue you when you don't want to be rescued.

But goodness gracious, think about what you have written. We care about you. We want you to be safe. Submissive, sure; tormented? Ubetcha. But dead or seriously harmed? Absolutely not.

If Meg had written that, you would have worried. When you wrote it, Meg got worried and so did many others.

That may anger you but it shouldn't. It should make you proud to have caring readers and, I hope, also understand why folks have reacted as they have.

I don't know your situation, your true and real situation. But you make it sound very dangerous. I hope it is not. I want your heart to keep beating and I want to be able to keep reading.

Is that really so much to want?

Respectfully,
Miss A

sephanipaige said...

I have been reading your works for quite some time now, as a writer myself I know how the lines between reality and fantasy can be blurred together to make a startling image of almost truth. I see the fantasy behind the lines, I see the truth of control He wields and I do not fear for you. *hugs* I hope you will continue to post what you feel like posting. This is your space. I look forward to when I log in and can read the amazing things you create, some of which have inspired me!