Monday, December 21, 2009

The sadist, the beast, and the knife

The beast is awake again.
The beast is awake and out of his cage.
The beast is awake
and he's roaming the streets
and he knows what he wants.

The beast wants to hurt me.
He wants to torture me.
He's got other options
but I'm the one he wants.
I'm the one he wants to torture
because he knows I'll suffer more.

I've been thinking about the knife lately. A while back, the sadist first mentioned it, and described it, and thereafter continued to bring it up every so often. And then he stopped. But recently he started thinking about it again. As did I - perhaps even before he mentioned it. I think... there is a connection... he sent me this intense e-mail today and I checked my Inbox immediately after he sent it, after not having looked for an hour or so.

Immediately after.
As if I heard him calling to me.

There are thoughts that move between us...

We had a long IM conversation later.
A long, intense, instructive conversation.
A lesson.
A training session.
I learned a lot.
He continues to transform me.

I asked if I might post his earlier e-mail here.
He said no.

I wasn't really surprised that he said no, as it was a very intimate piece of writing. Very naked. Very revealing. A dom can show himself to be vulnerable, and something about his words seemed very vulnerable indeed.

They showed me to be very vulnerable as well.

So he said no, but did give permission to write about it, to paraphrase it, to discuss my reaction.

He also ordered me to convey his repeated warning that he cannot guarantee my safety.

He had been protecting me.
Or at least, he claimed he had been protecting me.
From the beast.

He didn't want me to rouse the beast, he was trying to protect me from the beast, but I realize now it was because once the beast was loose he could not guarantee my safety.

I say that, I know its implications, and yet I find myself to be horribly aroused.
Aroused about something potentially horrible.
Because I want to please him.
Because I want to serve him
Because he has changed me
so that his desires
are now my desires.

I want him to hurt me.

And that e-mail message?
The one about the knife?

It was beautiful.
It was horrible.

There was me, his pet, naked in his lap.
There was the large, steel knife.
There was my pale, round belly.
My belly
and the sharp tip of the knife.

I was not safe.
He did not hold back.

And I read it and felt myself being drawn into the reality of it. I felt myself in his lap, I felt him gently fondling my pussy, I felt the tip of the knife against my belly... and I felt my total, loving submission as I gave him my life.

I wrote:
What you describe is very beautiful, my Lord.
Very beautiful and very arousing.
To submit so fully.
To love so totally.

The only pity being that it can be done only once.

I am yours, my Lord.
I'm having a hard time writing this post. I'm having a hard time concentrating. I'm having a hard time ignoring my pulsing pussy. I am re-reading what he wrote, and then what we wrote to each other, and I'm back in that trance he invariably pulls me into...

There is such a beauty in submission. When it is given truly, when you give up your soul, when it isn't just play, when it isn't just a source of erotic amusement... I'm supposed to be so good with words and right now they have utterly failed me.

No, I don't honestly think he would kill me.
And no, I don't think I would willingly invite him to kill me.
But there's a part of me that can see the beauty in it.
And therein lies the danger.

We all crave intimacy.
We all crave union.

And the intimacy achieved through submission,
true submission,
a giving,
an offering,
a yielding...

He has taught me so much.
He has taught me
and he has changed me.

He is hungry.
He ordered me to cum for him tonight.

And I have been so changed that the first image that came to mind was not that of me lying in my bed, my fingers finally allowed to fondle, my body finally allowed release of the arousal that has been building for weeks and that became unbearable today.

Not at all.
He has trained me.
He has changed me.
He has transformed me.
I am his creation.
I am his pet.
And my purpose in life
is to think
of what he wants.

So when he said I should cum for him tonight, my first image was of me lying there in the bed. The cell phone on the pillow near my head as I fondled my pussy and paced myself so as to give him the experience he wanted.

The moans.
The little whimpers.
The straining.
The peaking.
And then the sobs...
oh, such rich and gut-shaking sobs.
The cumming of my heart
along with the cumming of my cunt.

I am yours, my Lord.
And all that matters is what you want.


Anonymous said...

oh, my gracious...

dear OG, i can understand this.

(for the record, i've been lurking and listening for some months. You write most gloriously, by the way! but now...)

i understand this so very, very well. given one slight difference - my sir is not one for the knife. we do engage in some breath play, though, and that is where my danger lies.

because i can see - feel - imagine - even desire his hands around my throat as he takes his pleasure on me, as i tremble and gasp until everything is black...

i see the beauty in giving up my life for his pleasure. so i understand.

what keeps me safe is that my sir is not a sadist. he enjoys my pain, but he is not so... extreme as your sadist. he does not desire it, even in his darkest moments.

which is all right; we both have our perversities. he keeps me safe from myself and i give him freedom to express himself on me.

your sadist? as fascinating and hypnotic and near-addicting as he sounds... let's just go with, i prefer my sir. he keeps me safe.

but that's not really the point; the point is, i understand.

- Angharad

"A ship is safe in harbor - but that's not what ships are for."
- William Shedd

persephone said...

i understand how it can feel like you need to surrender everything when you have already given yourself over in so many ways. but this stuff bothers me, this not being able to guarantee your safety stuff. it makes me, as a reader, feel complicit in something that i don't want to be complicit in. i can't read this kind of stuff and feel safe myself. i can't stop you or him, but i also can't read something saying that you're not safe and continue to read your blog in good conscience.

Florida Dom said...

I'd be interested in your reaction to Persephone's comment. My take was that the danger was part of the turnon but you really don't have to worry about your safety. Am right?


oatmeal girl said...

Dear all,

I'm running off to work so don't have time for a long reply.

But meg, your comment made me nauseous. PLEASE don't stop reading here! Your view is always very special to me, and only partly because you are the one person I've met in person. Please don't stop reading.

I rely on you to keep me from falling to the bottom of the pit.

More later for you all.


Paul said...

OG, this post of yours left me almost speechless.
I believe in your good sense and even in the Sadist's good sense.
But if you both get carried away in the heat of the moment, and something happens that shouldn't,
what then!!
I understand Meg and this post makes me feel something similar.
I love how you write, but hate the thought of you in real danger.
Ask the sadist to cage his beast as most of us have to do.
Have a healthy and happy New Secular Year.
Love and warm hugs,

sephanipaige said...

Master has often told me that I should not tempt His inner fury because He could not guarentee my safety either...I understand exactly where you are coming from. Sometimes I want to tease it out of Him, play with His beast and give it a good work out...the fear intoxicates me.

Where you have your knife, I have His arm around my throat. The details, the whisper of the words in my ear as He spun a tale of feeling my pulse flutter and fade as I was pressed to His chest, feeling His pulse quicken... *shivers*

the knowledge of how far I am willing to go for Him is addictive, losing myself to Him is my drug and I don't ever want to give Him up.

Anonymous said...

It bothers me too. Its one thing to make your sub fear you, I love to do that.

But to put her into a place where I might actually hurt her, no that's not right.


baby girl said...

hi o.g.

i'm hoping that some of your language here is meant for it's poetic impact. and is not 100% literal. but that's not really the feeling i'm getting.

this makes me uneasy. i understand how intoxicating and heady it must be to belong to someone so completely...but it feels fundamentally wrong to me for that man to tell you that he cannot guarantee your safety from himself.

no judgement. just concern. please be careful with yourself. xox

worm said...

Dear OG

I too can understand your deep longing. I think it is the artist in you that craves the deeper depths of feeling that leave the rational world behind. This is how you find the horrible to be beautiful, the terrifying to be arousing.

When I first began my search, I might have responded to this post like persephone. I wanted to feel submissive but only when I was ready. Then a man spoke to me with frightening words, of physical pain beyond my comprehension, of unwavering surrender. This was not what I thought I wanted but I was unable to turn off his voice in my head, reverberating through my tissues.

Sadly, I was unable to surrender completely to him, although he will always have a piece of me. I know that I crave a similar sense of euphoria that can only come from fear coupled with devotion.

My cunt is oozing with yours.