Thursday, December 30, 2010

Daddy knows what he's doing

Cuttin' up cucumbers,
listenin' to the blues.

The cats are asleep on chosen floors.
A two state solution
brings temporary peace.

I don't have the blues.
I am at peace.
Happy,
content,
owned,
and at peace.
A bad year brought me that at least.
I am grateful.
I know who I am.

I've been thinking a lot about this. Knowing who I am. Being grateful. I am grateful to have been scooped up by a man who wanted me for who and what I was, for what he saw in me, rather than for what he could turn me into. His goal was to bring out what he saw and - certainly - to exploit it for his pleasure, but not to take some preconceived notion of what he wanted and cram me kicking and screaming into that mold. His method is to guide, steer, encourage, and wait. Certainly he has exhibited frustration, poor man, and certainly there have been punishments. I suspect that training me has sometimes felt like trying to break a wild horse.

Except that he never wanted to break me.
He never wanted to lose the treasure within.
He did want to focus me, and to teach me
the basics of respect and obedience.

He really wasn't asking that much.

His patience has been extraordinary.
It took nearly two years for me to see what he had seen all along.

If he had pushed me, it never would have worked. If he had said early on "You are my baby girl. You will call me Daddy," I would have said "Yech!" and kicked and screamed and... No. I wouldn't have kicked and screamed. But I would have pulled back. Shut down. Written about how it didn't feel right, about how I didn't know if I could be what he wanted me to be. And he knows that. So he waited and watched and eventually, as he knew would happen, without any force or demands on his part, I saw it.

He said
Yes.

That's it.
You are my little girl.
You will call me Daddy.
Relieved, at home, I embraced who I was.
Who I am.
Who I have been all along.

My respect for him is immeasurable.
I do not grant respect lightly.

Because of his patience,
because of his respect for me,
I feel comfortable with what I do.
I feel comfortable with what I am.
I feel comfortable with what I give him,
what I do for him,
what I feel for him.

And I welcome the new year with joy.

Thank you, Daddy.
I am your precious little girl.
I love you.
And I'm sorry for all the grey hairs I gave you.

4 comments:

KellyRed said...

"Who is the happiest of men (women)? He (she) who values the merits of others, And in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t'were his (her) own".
~~~~Goethe

oatmeal girl, I can't express how much pleasure reading your posts bring to me. I wish you good fortune in the New Year.

Paul said...

OG, have a wonderful New Year and may the next year bring your both your particular joys.
Love and warm hugs,
Paul.

mamacrow said...

oh LOVELY. sometimes i wish your posts had a 'like' button xx

Liras said...

OG, realization s such a wonderful event. I cheer loudly at you finding your sweet spot.